A Chapter in My Life

I was excited. There would be a party for me. Yes, I was the queen on that night. My clicks arranged a party for me. I simply couldn’t wait for that. I told them that I wanted to shake my bums. Dance…yippee….

I left home early. I carried my big backpack and rushed catching a bus to the downtown. The traffic on Friday late afternoon in Bangkok is usually horrible. I should be at Thong Lo sky train station at 5.30 and see Indie there.

I had arrived Thong Lo station at 5.10 pm. I rang Indie, asking where he was. I rang him again and again, but I couldn’t reach him. Oh well, I simply waited at the station and worked a bit. I tried to call him again, great, he answered me this time. He told me that he would be a bit late. Indie came at 6.05. He said that I was the first person who showed up on time in Thailand.

Indie and I searched the restaurant where we supposed to meet with the others. A veggie friend suggested a Japs veggie resto. It sounded

fine. Indie and I walked down on the street, tried to find the plaza. I was lousy on direction as always, but Indie was fine. Moreover he lived around there before. After few times got lost we found that restaurant.

The restaurant was quiet. There were only few customers, more waiters and waitresses than customers. Indie and I sat on a table, we were talking about many things, politics, gossips and so on. Dan, the veggie, rang me. He told me that he reserved a table for 10 persons already. I was surprised, 10 persons? Oh my goodness (oh no it was only 6 of us).

Indie and I told a waiter that we had reserved a table already. We moved to that table, it was a round one. Dan came. He was as cherries as always. He greeted us with his heavy accent. I like him. He’s such a jolly person. He told us that Maria would be a bit late, indeed Maria had sent me a message. So, we were waiting for Maria, Yin and Noah. Noah also rang me that he would be a bit late.

Actually my friends, at first I thought it was only Maria, were not keen Noah joined the party. Maria sensed the tension between Noah and I at the first time she met two of us. I was stubborn, I told Maria that I wanted him to attend the party. He’s part of it. I was a bit nervous, waiting for Noah and wondering what he would say. He congratulated me via sms, but it would be different.

Maria came and soon Noah came. His head bumped to a pillar at sky train station and bled. Poor him. Then it was like usual, five of us talked, gossiped about many things. Noah treated me like before. He was flirting with me again. Indie observed us and only smiled at me. The last one was Yin. We decided to move to another place. Yin said that she didn’t like the food.

We left. Noah was with me, his arm was on my shoulder. He mumbled that he didn’t have any roommate anymore. We both understood that it wasn’t the issue. I knew that he wanted to tell me that he’s no longer with her anymore. I stared at him, and asked, ”So?!” I simply didn’t want any drama anymore. He asked me to forget it. He was talking bullshit. Deep down, I couldn’t lie that I was longing to be with him. I wanted to spend the night with him.

Five of us, without Dan, went to another restaurant. Yin hadn’t had her dinner. It was a better place, that Jap restaurant was horrible. Yin enjoyed her food, while the rest enjoyed our drinks. Then Indie’s girl, Deer, came. She’s a lovely girl.

Yin was asking me what I wanted to do next. Indie and Deer insisted that I should club with them. Whereas Noah in a sudden told us that he’d meet his friend and friends of his friend. I was alarmed. My instinct told me that it would be her. I was confused. Yin asked me whether I wanted to go to her home right away or not. My instinct said…’yes Princess, go home with her. Don’t go with them, you would see her’. Unfortunately I was longing to be with Noah. I ignored my instinct.

I joined Noah, who was waiting for a call from his friend, Indie and Deer. We went to a nice bar for a while until Noah got a call. We went to a club. Noah told us to stay on the car. He stared at me. I understood his message. I told Deer and Indie to park the car. I think I didn’t send the message to them clearly. After parked the car, they went to that club. I followed them. Indie was asking me, he sensed the tension. Yes, it was true. My instinct was true. I saw him with a girl. She was tall and pretty. Somehow I felt that she’s the opposite of me. She held his arm.

Noah was smiling awkwardly to me. He didn’t say a word. I knew he felt uncomfortable (yes dear, I felt it, and I am sure you would try your best to prevent that meeting. Thank you for that). I introduced myself to her, sure I didn’t tell her about our affair. She introduced me to her friends. Indie worried about me. He protected me like a guardian angel. My face was straight. I told him that I was fine. He said that we could go anytime I wanted to. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even recognize my feeling. Was it anger, sadness or what? I didn’t know.

I went to the loo. I spent few minutes there. I tried hard to keep my tears. I didn’t want to cry. What should I cry for? Nothing….I couldn’t cry. I washed my face, looked at my reflection on the mirror and smiled. Deep down, I didn’t know what to do. I activated my defence mechanism, straight face. No one might see me crying, especially him. No way!

I went back to the dance floor. I danced with that girl and her friends. Indie was with me. Noah smiled at me vaguely. He was pale. Noah and I knew each other well. I knew how speechless he could be.

It was exhausting. I couldn’t pretend as if I were alright. I couldn’t say that I was fine. I went out, tried to call a friend. It was 11 pm and I hoped he was awake. I rang him again and again. I wanted to cry and ask him to save me. ‘Please take me away from this place.’ He didn’t answer me. He slept already. I was confused. I was exhausted.

I sat in front of the club, alone. In a sudden Indie came and sat next to me. He asked me whether or not I was fine. I asked him to look at my face, it was straight. But he knew. He knew the feeling inside. He asked me if I wanted to go to another club. I stood up and walked into the club. I danced again.

After a few minutes I told Indie that I was sleepy. I wanted to go home. Indie asked me to go to another club. I said yes. We left when Noah was in the loo. I didn’t bother to wait for him. What for?

Three of us, Deer, Indie and I, walked on the street. Noah rang Indie within less than 5 minutes. Indie asked whether or not I wanted to talk to him. I said no. I knew Noah. He had my number, he would call me if he knew what to say. Just say hi to him, I said to Indie. Indie told Noah that I was tired so we left.

I was toying with my mind. What should I do? Cry? No way! I decided to enjoy the night. I didn’t drink one single drop of alcohol. I wanted to keep conscious. I saw how Deer and Indie danced. They’re cool. Indie told me that he’s a professional dancer. He taught me how to dance. It was fun, but there was a hole in my heart.

I went to the loo (again). I was trying hard no to cry. I tried to neutralize my feeling. I activated my straight face mode. It wasn’t easy though. I had been working like crazy lately, and absolutely what I found on that night was uneasy for me.

I decided to send an sms to Noah. I told him that I was fine. He replied me instantly, he wasn’t an sms lover, so I knew that he was waiting for that. Blah…I just showed him that I was fine. It was for his sake, not mine. Why should I care if he felt guilty?

Finally we went back home. I stayed with Indie on that night. He had a two bedroom apartment. Shamed on me, I didn’t know he was coming. He saw my tears dropped. He asked me to cry, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to cry for nothing.

Indie and I talked a bit about that night. I told him that I had the feeling since before. He asked me why I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know how to answer it. He starred at me, and I knew that there was no way for me to hide it. I wanted to be with him.

I told Indie how I felt, cheated by Noah. How could he tell me that he didn’t want any stable relationship while he had someone else? He could just tell me that he didn’t want me anymore. Indie looked at me, carefully he said that he didn’t think that Noah was really with her. Indie thought that Noah was only playing with her. It was obvious. I knew. He flirted with me too, he wouldn’t flirt with any girls if he engaged in a serious relationship, right?

Indie stated it clearly. Noah was not looking for a relationship, he wanted to play. Indie agreed that Noah flirted with me when I asked his opinion. He thought that I was good for his ego, and Noah enjoyed my presence. Indeed, for Indie, Noah made the right decision. He wanted to play, and it was sure not with me. By changing our relationship, he could still flirt with me, without facing the risk of losing contact with me.

So, Noah wanted to play, but he didn’t want to loose me. Should I be happy? Why the hole in my heart still existed then? I fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke up and realized that I was numbed. I had no feeling. No hurt, no sadness, no anger, no flattered. Noah might play with others, but me. I was toying with the idea of not seeing him anymore until the wound is healed. I realized that Noah would be leaving on Tuesday morning, and I would be busy on Monday. The only days I could meet were Saturday and Sunday. I wouldn’t be here when he’d return. There was a glance of emptiness in my heart.

I rang Noah. I told him that I wanted to see him for the last time. He said that he would see me for sure. Noah asked what I wanted to do. Deep down, I didn’t know. All I know was I wanted to see him for the last time. I said I wanted to talk with him, simple talk, easy one. I could hear his breathing, relieved.

I told Indie that I would see Noah for a coffee. Indie looked at me worry. He wasn’t sure that it was a fine decision. Me neither.

I dressed up and went to that coffee shop. I told him that probably it was our last meeting. Noah was sure that we’d meet again. I doubted it, simply because I didn’t want it. I stared at him, I bet he knew the message that I did not want to see him. Let the time heals.

It was awkward. There was a deep silence between Noah and I for a while. Deep down there was a voice shouting, ‘Help me out off here’. I didn’t know what to do. Then my phone was rung. I said hello, and I heard a sweet voice from another continent.

An angel rang me. He saved me without even knowing what happened with me in Bangkok. My angel told me how much he missed and loved me. I was smiling, telling him back that I missed him too. I never had a strong feeling to him before, but on that time I knew he was for me. He would be with me always.

I saw Noah was staring at me when I was on the phone. I felt nothing, it was meaningless. Another chapter in my life had finished. I still had more chapters. My life wouldn’t stop just because Noah left me.

PS: Inspired by a true story