This time i will be alone

I had my mama, papa, sister and bestfriends during my undergraduate defence on 2000 (in Indonesia we have to write a thesis for bachelor degree...yikes...)

Mama came to Jogja and spent her time to be with me. She cuddled me, showered me with love. The most wonderful love in my life. She prayed and prayed. She believed that I would do it great, not merely well (ssshhhh I was top student ;) wakakakakakakak )

Papa was calling me before and after the defence. Indeed he rang me everyday, and more when i had exams. (I miss you pa) Kakak was calling me too.

Timbul was waiting for me outside when i defended my writing (in Indonesia we have to write a thesis for bachelor degree...yikes). He carried all my stuff. Mbak Irma was outside, waiting me. Rieka was calling me after. Then boom...for weeks i was greeted and congratulated.

Then...when I was attending the profession school. I lost my papa. He passed away during my first semester. Don't ask me how my feeling of losing him. No one would replace him from my heart. The love that I had (and still do) still remain the same.

Losing my papa didn't stop me. It wasn't easy though. I lost many things in a short period of life. Within months, I found there was almost nothing left. Thanked God...I had friends. When I was down, and toying with the idea of quiting school...half of my colleagues went to see me. They told me that I would be fine. Indeed...I did it well.

I had my bestfriend Rima, who was supporting me with all her love. She was with me during my struggling moment (hey...I avoid using the term struggling session ;) ). I had the most wonderful click...Mb Dhawie, DJ, Mb Umi, and Iik. I enjoyed our friendship sis...I miss our TAT time. I miss the cries, laughters, hugs, all the affections. (Who will be my next victim? hehehehehe)

I had Vena and Ricky...miss you guys...I will be back soon. Ricky is a wonderful friend. He looked after me when I was sick. He cooked and fed me like a baby. Meanwhile, Vena was amazing. He encouraged me in his own way.

Indeed, I was doing it well too. Graduated as a top student. Tapi tetep pentalitan juga. Mama, Kakak, Pak Aji, Mb Ina, Bintang, Ara, Rima and Skye were attending the ceremony. I was smiling happily to them. Mama was smiling all the time. She always has her faith on me. When all are gone, I know that I still have her. Thank you Ma.

Now...2006. Bangkok. I am sitting alone in the common room. Trang just left me. (She went back home, and I will join her and Sophana for dinner.) Away from home (what is home actually?).

I rang my mama few times yesterday. I wanted to tell her that I will defend my thesis on Friday, and I am nervous. What if I fail? How if I cannot answer the questions well? Bollock....Sumie told me that I shoud focus on the positive possibility...she even has arranged the party already. :p

Away from home. Alone in a foreign country. I wish mama was with me. I miss her. Away from my sister and her family.

Away from my support system...away from Mb Dhawie. Away from Mitha my cutie pie. Away from Kiki my guardian angel.

Three days from now, I will do it alone.

A has to go back to Aceh soon. He told me that he would try to attend my graduatin ceremony before, but his boss made him going back to Aceh. He had to change his plan. Likely he would be in Aceh on that time.

I rang Mas Hardy, asked his availability to attend my graduation ceremony on the 28 (if...I pass the defence). I will ask Mb Diah too. I hope she will be available.

Oh well...but now...I have to be ready to be alone. My papa is with me. Always. He never leaves me alone.

Bangkok, 4 April 2006