I Would (Not) Die for You

Many of you have heard this I WOULD DIE FOR YOU. So, how many of you guys, believe that it shows how much one loves you? Well I don’t.

If, someone says that he would die for me, maybe I would stare at him blankly and leave him right away. How could he love me if he doesn’t love himself? If he dies for me, then will things become better? Well we don’t live in Harry Potter’s world for sure, where Harry’s mum, Lilly Potter, sacrificed her life to protect her only son. I, myself, wouldn’t die for someone I love, but struggle to survive.

My mum proofs her love to her daughters by her strength to survive. She had a fatal accident when she was young. She’s the first surviving brain surgery patient in Indonesia. The accident happened more than 3 decades ago. She was so weak and the prognosis was bad. She lost one hearing and an eyesight. She lost her memories and until now still has a platinum pen in her head. The docs predicted that she would live only for 6 months.

My dad was with my mum day and night, he proposed her when she was hospitalized. Papa showed his love to her by taking care of her, he fed her. He bought her wig and shawls to cover my mum’s baldhead. He cheered her up and told her that sheremained pretty with her baldhead. Mama told me, that’s how she knew that she wanted to survive. She had someone who loved her the way she was.

Then my parent got my sister after lots miseries happened in my mum’s life. The docs said that pregnancy and delivering a baby would be bad for my mum, but mama insisted that she would be fine. The first time mama saw her new born baby, she knew she would be fine. She refused to die to raise her daughter no matter what would happen. That’s exactly what she did. No matter how many times she had to see her docs, she never complained. Worse, there wasn’t fancy CT scan like we have nowadays. Mama says that CT scan during that time was PITA aka pain in the a**. It hurt her badly. She took drugs and changed her diet to survive. Mama only consumed vegetables, and when her condition was weaken she only consumed raw vegetables and milk. Mama refused to die to raise her only daughter. Mama only had one dream, to see her daughter to be independent.

Four years later, when mama was much stronger, she gave birth to her second daughter, me. All was fine during her second pregnancy. Again, she kept telling herself that all would be fine. She proofed that the docs’ prediction was wrong, she’s alive.

Unfortunately 5 years later mama’s health was decreasing. She carried my little brother, sadly it was miscarried. Mama needed blood transfusion and was hospitalized for months. Papa, my sister and I went to hospital every single day to see her, I didn’t know that (again) her docs said that her prognosis was bad. I didn’t realize that I was about losing my mummy. But no, she survived. Why? Because she wanted to survive. She wanted to raise her daughters. That’s all, nothing else.

On 1992 I accompanied mama to see her doc in RSCM Jakarta, well for a small girl sure it was only additional days off. Her doc, Dr. Padmanagara was glad to see her. He didn’t expect that my mum would reach the unexpected health condition. I recall mum was smiling and pointing out at me, “She and her sister is the reason why I don’t want to die.”

Few months ago, when I travel to Ambon, I sat on Baguala Beach alone. I realized that I would be alone in the world with my mum next to me. I rang mum telling her how much I loved and appreciated what she had done to me. Mama, again, told me that she wouldn’t die until she’s sure that my sister and I would be fine to be left. I couldn’t say a word.

Mama shows me that her love is the reason why she lives and survives. Her love to her daughters keeps her strong and refuses to die. She doesn’t want to leave her daughters before sure that we would be fine. So why should I buy when someone says he would die for me? Don’t die for me, but live for me.

(for K who reminds me how beautiful love is)