A Woman is Killed by Her Husband

A woman is killed by her husband. It is shown on Global TV now, Tuesday 9. 30 am. It portrays domestic violence in Indonesia (well for sure it doesn't happen only in Indonesia I believe). Witnesses say that the couple had fought before it happened, this woman was sick of being poor. She questioned her husband and he got angry then he killed her.

Well I think there are two different violence types here, horizontal and vertical one. The horizontal one is between the husband and his wife. Living in a patriarchal society where men are seen and nurtured to be superior to women shows me how then we look at men and women differently. Men are the leader. Men are more rational, Men are wiser. Men are stronger. Women are born to be mother therefore they have to be softhearted, tame and so on. Hell where does this come from?

Freud (well my relationship with him is always like Def Leppard's song, When Love and Hate Collide) has a theory called Penis Envy. Women envy men because we are lacking of penis. Man, don't you think it's silly? I was born as a baby girl, identify myself as a woman and I never thought that I want to have a penis (doesn't mean I don't enjoy it tho, just never want to have it). Women are uncompleted creatures, yes, and it is because that we have unseen womb, not seen penis.

Well Papa Freud, have you thought that you might envy our womb? You wouldn't understand how it feels having monthly period. You only see it disgusting. But personally I enjoy it, there is unspeakable feeling when I feel the muscle inside my tummy. It's not even the feeling of having a living creature inside it. I bet it would be even more wonderful knowing that there is a baby, an own baby inside the tummy. If we can have this, why should we envy you and your big penis? You never have multiple orgasm experiences. You don't know the feeling when your belly grows larger, and your nipples become bigger and darker because they are ready to feed a baby. You don't know how it is risking your life to give birth to your baby.

Why we, both men and women, only listen to how macho men are in bed. How many of you, men, who concern about how big your penis is? How long you can keep your hard on when you are in bed? Tell me, how do you feel and think when you are seen based on your dick?

The segregation between men and women based on what so call natural difference (well natural and nature can be debatable) leads us (at least me) to see men equal to dick, women equal to womb. So, men are walking dicks and women are walking wombs. How disgusting. So, there is no smart, funny, warm hearted Adam, but merely a walking dick. So Adam, how big is yours and how good is it? No smart, funny, warm hearted Eve (hey…I love my name more and more now, I should thank my parent named me this), just walking womb. So Eve, how many babies can you produce and how good can you raise them? What about men who face sexual problems? Are they useless? What about infertile women? Are they also useless? Can't we see beyond this sexual matter?

How we differ men and women based on our sexual capability then bring us to create the norms (well, sure we also learn from our social environment and internalize the norms, but we are not passive remember? Or are you guys passive and simply take everything in front of your nose without think about it at all? I doubt it. I believe in interaction, inner and outer. Told ya before no, that somehow I still use Freud's theory that's why I mostly think based on conflict theory).

Back to the topic, this segregation between men and women, seeing men as superior in patriarchal society creates problems, one among them is violence against women. Violence is violence, and it is crime. In Indonesia crimes that committed by significant ones should be sentenced 1/3 higher than by strangers. It means, if I hit a boy I don't know and I am sentenced 1 year in prison, then it should be 1 year and 4 months if I do that to my kid. But what happens if it is committed by a husband to his wife? How many times we have heard these excuses? "Maybe you annoy him?" "You talk too much woman!" We tend to blame women. Why? Ask yourself why we tend to blame women and ask your consciousness too.
We tend to see violence against women, especially domestic violence when it is considered brutal already, such as when a wife is killed or kills her husband. Remember Bobbit's case? He even becomes a commercial star, bloody hell. Usually women who commit crime against their husband are sentenced 3 times higher than men who commit crime against their wife (this is based on a research in the US but I don't bother to dig up my archives to write the reference, it's not an academic paper tho).

Do you think, our case above, a woman who is killed by her husband, did not face prolong violence? Do you think in a sudden he got mad, couldn't control his anger and killed her? I doubt it (I even doubt more that men cannot control themselves when they see women in skimpy clothes, unless they agree that men are walking dicks). I believe that both men and women have ability to control their selves. I am not going to say that my late dad was a walking dick, nor say that my men (both exes and current one) are walking dicks, they are more than that. The violence between this couple on this case must be gradual, eventually murder.

Even worse, the beliefs, on what men and women are, are imposed to us on many ways, and guess what the most effective one? Congratulate our religious teachings. I have read different holly books, the Qur'an, Holly Bibble, Veda and currently some sutras on Tripitaka, and I don't know what to say. Personally I do believe that God creates men and women (and the crosscutting ones) equal, but we, human make it different. Why? To protect our privileges. Who are the majority of religious leaders? Men. It happens not only in this millennium. Why don't we have female pope? (We won't call it Pope anymore then, and sssh actually there has been a rumour that once there was a female one…but don't know). Why Muslims ignore that The Prophet appointed a woman to be an imam, including in prayer, while there were some men too? Why there is no bikhuni in Theravada Buddhism (at least the one in Thailand had to go to Sri Lanka for the initiation)? Why no female pedande in Balinese Hindu? (Or is it just because I am lacking of knowledge and information?)

Well, violence between men and women (and transgender, mmmm how to make it more politically correct? The third gender? Why third?) is violence. No matter what the excuse is, it is prohibited. There is no reason that gives someone privilege to abuse others. Stop it.

References: all Freud's books (a haa….I welcome you to the world of penis), Irigaray's works (gosh I love her, even though my professor frowned when I told him I chose Irigaray's work for my thesis), Cioux's works, Kristeva's works (a bit complicated for my tiny brain though), for sure Foucault especially his History of Sexuality, a very good book before sleep can be used as pillow remembering how thick it is, different Holly Books, my small book on violence against women few years back when I was so young and naive hehehe oh yes, sure various works on violence against women.