The Father of My Child

Here I am, sitting on my desk toying with the idea of having a baby (singular, not plural yet). For many women (and men I believe) on my age, having a baby is a common idea. I am on my late 20s, and many of my peers have had babies (skip about my clicks who mostly remain single in their mid 30s and are happy). Well, wanting to have a baby on late 20s is not special, is it?

I recalled few weeks ago a nice friend asked me,” Eve do you want to have babies with me?” Well for sure it was a joke. I mean if you were a man, and you really want to have a serious relationship with a woman, you wouldn’t simply shoot that question on Yahoo Messenger, would you? Indeed he’s a nice and funny friend.

I never thought about having a baby, not until yesterday. I even haven’t thought about whom I would spend my life with. Actually I haven’t thought about settling down with someone yet. It’s not that I against marriage, it’s just I see marriage more than merely a social institution that bounds two persons (no matter what their gender and preference are). I think marriage is more about commitment between two persons and God (I do believe in God most of the time, just because sometimes I question Her, doesn’t mean I don’t believe her). I just don’t have any idea what kind of men that will be the one, the one whom I see when I wake up in the morning and before I fall asleep. Surely this scene would be romantic during the first year, but what about in 10, 20, 30 years? Well after 30 years it might become more romantic though. But you got me, no? Marriage means spending the rest of your life with someone, it’s a bit scary for me. Sure you can get divorce, but I am sure, none of sane would prepare about the divorce on their wedding day (ugh when I typed it, I was thinking about pre-nuptial, do you think they who have pre-nuptial expect and want to be divorced?). My best friend always says that I need a man who really understands me and my crazy life.

I didn’t (ok, and still don’t) have any idea on who will be the adam in my life, how could I think about having a baby? Since I returned to my home country 6 months ago, some close friends of mine brought me the issue of unplanned pregnancy. Some turned to be merely late period, one decided to have an induced abortion (well her first one was still too small to get a younger sibling), and none turns to have a baby. How if, I am the one on that position? I am not even sure I want to get married.

How if I get pregnant now? I must be scared. It would be a lie if say no. It means I have to look back at my personal plan. I might have to reschedule my plan and think about the living creature in my tummy. But the idea of having a real baby for me is kicking. It thrills me. I saw how my sister looked at her son proudly. I remember how mummy looked at me when I graduated. It must be great to be a mummy. One thing for sure it wouldn’t be a disaster, if get pregnant now, as my dearly friend says. “It is not a bad news at all, just unexpected.” I do agree with him. It might be a disaster if it happens 10 years ago when I was still a teenager. But now, it wouldn’t be a disaster at all.

I think I am ready to have a baby. It means I most likely won’t induce my period when it happens. But I am not sure that I am ready to have the father of the baby. They are two different things, a baby and the father of the baby.

So now, the question is not with whom I would like to spend my life with, but with whom I would like to have and raise a baby. Hmmm…must be someone really special, because my baby would be a special one. At the moment there is only one person in my mind to fill this special position. Well for an adam out there, in the middle of nowhere with different time zone with mine, I might not be ready to have you as a partner, but I don’t mind to have a baby with you. Just if it happens, I wish the baby has my grandfather look, your bum and attitude, and combination of our brains.