North Star

Dear H,

I may be down at the moment, but this also shows me how blessed I am. I told Dhawie, my bestfriend, that at this moment I cannot deny the blessings of my Lord. I found how blessed I am having mama, Putra, you and her as a bestfriend.

Do you remember our evening in Lombok when I was mad with my friend? He said sorry to me, then I sent him an email. It was a bloody long email. I wrote down what had happened on that evening on me. I told him about our discussion. Then I realized another thing. Do you remember you asked me where the North Star was? I told him about that. I told him that you asked me where it was and showed it to you. I recalled my professor once said to me," There will always be a True North deep in your heart, just follow it." You are not my North Star, no, because it is my consciousness. You are the one who shows me where the North Star is. You are the one who would hold my hand and guide me. You are the one whom I can lean on when I am tired. When I wrote down that email, I felt how warm it was to love you.

More and more friends asked me. I had to answer similar questions over and over again. It never happened before. When I dated someone else, people just didn't buy it. In a sudden it had changed. At first I was annoyed with it, but now not anymore. Every time I tell one about you and us, I find myself love you even more. I found that you make me see the blessings of the Lord more and more. It maybe not usual romantic relationship, I am not afraid of failure to be with you. I am not scared to spend my life with you. Indeed I await to wake up next to you, sleep beside you, even after 40 years.

I love you in a simple way. You make me love others, universe, nature, God more. You show me a true love without expectation from the universe. You make me see what I couldn't see. You open my eyes, ears and heart. You water the positive seeds in my soul and let them grow. You make me understand that Qoran verse more, "Then which blessings of your Lord will ye deny?" Nothing, I cannot deny the blessings of my Lord.

A friend asked why I didn't ask you to be a muslim. I told him, "I don't want to ask my love to be a muslim. He loves the universe and makes me see the blessings of the Lord more than anybody can do, more than any imams. I love him the way he is." Then he understood me and said that I had found my true love. One thing that I believe is love can be up and down, so is life. But I am not scared, because you open yourself for the blessings from universe and embrace it. I know, we will be grateful to what we have got time to time, and it is stronger than normal romantic relationship.

I see the love of universe through your smile and eyes. I feel the love of the Queen of the South when I feel your love. You know that you have a wonderful ability to love? You are able to love without any sacrificing yourself. You can love me without turning to be someone else to satisfy me.

There was a commercial break on, it's about a young bloke who was asked when he would get married. He simply answered, "Maybe yes, maybe no." My sister, Liza said that I was like that before. When one asked when I would get married I would answer the way I wanted. "Maybe yes, maybe no." "I am divorced." Or whatever I liked. Now, it has changed. I voluntarily say, "I am unofficially engaged but I will marry my man. The game is over now."

I may not know how to describe how I feel clearly. I just want to tell you, that having you beside me not only makes me love you more. With you, I love myself, universe and God even more. Thank you for everything. Thank you for showing me how blessed I am.

love
es soon will be ess

Here and Now

Life is here and now, it’s not about the past, neither the future. Remember what has happened in the past, and learn from it. Dream about the future and reach it. Still, life is what happens here and now.

The problem is, what here and now is.

Whose here? My good friend often says, “Wish you’re here, I miss you badly.” The same way I often reply him, “Well I am here as usual. Just your here and my here are different.” So we often jokingly add the word my. I wish you’re here, my here.

What about now? Bloody hell different time zone. An hour different is already complicated, what about 13 hours? He sleeps when I am awake, and I sleep when he is awake. When he wants to discuss about critical theories, I am in a critical state to sleep. When I want to discuss about postmodernism, he’s in prehistoric state and only grumbles grrr grrr grrr zzzzzzzzzz.

Some trusted friends told me that when we really believe in one thing, the universe will open up our way to get it. Maybe I would pray and ask that California would move next to Jakarta. (OK…it would be easier for the universe to open up the way for us to move and live closer instead of moving a city).