Secondary School Research

One day a brainy goodlooking female friend asked me, “What kind of girls do you think men like? Smart ass or pretty chick?”. Well I am not a man, so I don’t know. I told her that when I was in secondary school I had a small (questionable) research. I asked my male friends, which one they preferred, smart or pretty girls. Based on my friends’ answers I found that:

1. They who were not smart chose pretty girls and avoided smart ones since smart chicks were terrifying for them.
2. They who were smart preferred smart and pretty girls. They were not scared of smart girls, yet enjoy their girls’ looks.

Then the question is where do the non smarty pretty girls belong to?

Russian Ballet Show

Today is Sunday, mum and I got ready to go to see a Russian ballet show. Sleeping Beauty, performed by the Russian State Ballet. We had two first class tickets so hopefully we would enjoy the show.

Mum was excited to see. She told me how amazed she was when she saw ballet for the very first time in her life. It was 1958 in Moscow, she was 6 year old and joined Indonesian cultural show in some countries. She said that she loved the ballerina costume. She recalled how beautiful the ballerinas danced and how they exchanged bouquets of roses after the show. There were some other Indonesian children in this even, but mum was the youngest one. She danced some Javanese dances, surely she got the bouquet.

Well, surely both mum and I enjoyed the ballet much. Not only the beautiful costumes, but also the male dancers’ bums. Their bums were so firm, so sexy. Wow.

Chinese New Year Fever

When I was a kid Chinese New Year was one of my most favourite days. It wasn’t considered as an official holiday, but my Chinese friends usually didn’t go to school. After school I was in rush to get back home and dressed up, then visited to my Chinese friends’ houses. It’s always lovely, they served sweet cakes and good food, mie soa or long life noodle. The best part was surely the red envelope one. The earlier I could visit them, the more I would get.

Now, 2007, it seems that my 3 year old nephew continues this Chinese New Year fever. His granny took him to pray at some Chinese temples before the New Year and he enjoyed the prayer. Then the fever goes worse after he saw the lion and dragon dance aka barong and liong sai.

Before the New Year, his granny took him to see barong sai show. The show absolutely dropped this little dude’s jaw. He gave the dancers red envelopes, again and again. Still, thank goodness his half Chinese great grandmother wasn’t there, it would make him more generous and emptied his aunt’s wallet. Ever since, he has been busy pretending as if he was a dragon dancer and imposing his granny to be his mate. The dude dances and his granny plays the drum, or the vice versa version. What’s so bad about it? Nothing, but one of my non sexy sleeping gowns turns to be his costume.

Never Took The Time

Never took the time, it’s an Akon’s song on his new CD. It’s about a man who’s left by his girl. He says that she never took the time to know him, while he needs her love.

I just found that my relationship fell apart when I heard that song for the first time. Without any doubt I agreed with Akon, yeah yeah he never took the time to know me. I wanted to shout at him and asked, “Don’t you know that I love you?”. I wanted him to know how hurt it was knowing him walked away and left me behind.

Then I was toying with my noisy mind. Why I blamed him for his attitude? Why I blamed him for leaving me? Why I blamed him for not taking the time to know me? What if it’s me who didn’t give him the chance to know me? What if it’s me who drew the line? What if it’s me who didn’t want to disclose myself to him?

It’s easier to blame on someone else for the hurt we get, instead of being true to ourselves.

Dedicated for someone who inspires me. Let’s find an eraser and erase that line

Brain or Heart???

My dear friend who becomes a country coordinator of a UN body in Jakarta often says “Follow your heart”. Well…well…I think it is time for me to argue and say “Follow your brain”. It is not that I don’t believe in the power and wisdom of our hearts, but how sure we are that it is our heart and not impulse.

How many of you, who spends sometime to read my blog (thanks for that guys ^_^), have followed your heart then wished you never done that? How many of you who have wished that you should have listened to your brain before?

Fragile...Handle Carefully

Fragile

Why is it difficult to be honest to ourselves? Why is it difficult to admit that we love someone? Why is it difficult to open our hearts for someone we care about? Feelings exposed and scared to get hurt avoid us from being with someone.

A friend said that he’s afraid to get hurt. He left behind and suffers horrible pain, he doesn’t want to get hurt anymore. Why we avoid pain? Why we manipulate others to avoid hurt? Can’t we enjoy the pain and take it as a learning process?

Requiem for unspoken love that has died in silence

In Love with a Geek

I was chatting with an old friend. I told her my little secret. Almost three years ago I met a geek and had a crush on him. She knew that geek and couldn’t stop her laughter when she knew it. She said it’s hard to believe that I had a crush on that geek. Well, he’s not a hot Chinese. He is pursuing his PhD now, extremely smart and nice, a bookworm with thick eyeglasses, a real geek like in American movies, shy and doesn’t know what to do with girls. He blushes when it is about girls. He used to be the target among his friends (including my friend), they make fun of him because of his shyness. My friend also said that she never knew there’s a girl who approaches him.

Since I was a single (and still am) so it was fine for me to have a crush on him, no? My laughing friend said it was difficult to imagine with me, totally different persona.

My dear friend suggested me to communicate to this geek again and express my affection. Even tho she’s not sure what he would do when he know it. Blushing I guess.

Will Go for a Matchmaking Show

There is a matchmaking show on TV. I watched it twice (ok, 1 and a half actually). At first I wasn't interested, but then I realized it is an interesting show. I think I want to try. Well, not to find my Mr. Right there for sure, but to get free facial treatment, full body spa and make over. Who doesn't want? Not me for sure, I want those free treatments.

True Love

I was in rush went to the lobby, Sebastian would meet me there. I would have a lunch date with the most agreeable bloke in the building. I agreed to have a lunch today, on our first Valentine’s Day. Then I saw him on his black car, he smiled at me. His eyes sparkled when he saw me, God, how much I love those eyes.

I bumped into the car then we went for our lunch. Sebastian seemed happy. I kissed his cheeks softly and he blushed. We ordered our lunch and enjoyed the meals. Sebastian enjoyed his mango and apple, I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw him having his lunch.

After lunch we went to a CD shop. I found a Chloe’s CD, a 14 year old girl with angelic voice. In that store Bastian and I were hugging and shaking are bums (now it doesn’t seem romantic anymore, but it was really romantic). I just love hugging him, never get enough of it. Somehow I didn’t know what to say knowing Sebastian was trying to touch I’ie’s boobies, dang…men.

Then the time had come, we had to return back, the date was over. Thanks for the lovely date Bast, love you.

Shhhh Bastian is taking a nap now with his nanny and Cuncin in his arms

Relationship???

What is a couple? A wedded couple is easier to describe, but what is boyfriend-girlfriend? If I like an adam and he likes me too, we spend some times together, we communicate in a more intensive and intimate way than with other friends, we kiss and a bit more (ok…it's up to you guys, can be a bit and lots), I get jealous when a girl approaches him, the way he does, but we never say love, does it mean this adam and I are boyfriend-girlfriend? Yes, the L word is seen as a sacred word, unspoken one. It's a death penalty. No no, you don't want to say it. The way this adam and eve refuse to say the L word to avoid the future hurt. So, is he a lover or a fuckbuddy?

A Simple Beauty that Only Needs to be a Whisper*

"I realized that I love you when you walked away, out of that door. I didn’t know what my life would be without you.”

Often we don’t see how precious what we have, keep longing for other things, then realize that we have lost our precious treasure. When the time has come, it is useless. There is no undo or redo buttons in our lives, we may can do harm control to minimize the lost, but still we cannot undo what we have done.

Sometimes a beauty does not speak loudly, it does not bang your head. Sometimes a beauty whispers to your ears and comforts you when you are low. Sometimes a beauty looks valueless when you are busy with the noisy crowd in your head, and you forget about tender voice that soothes your pain that comes because of the noisy crowd.

Then without you know that, the beauty doesn’t live there anymore. You may realize that you have lost your precious beauty one day when you try to find that soothing comforting beauty. The way you may never realize that you have lost the beauty you had possessed once and keep busy with your banging noise in your head. Worst, you may never realize that once you had had a beauty that soothed and calmed you, then you only know that there is something missing, but you never know what it is.

In memoriam of a dead unspoken beauty. It doesn’t live there anymore.

*Inspired by Katie Mehlua’s song, I Cried for You

Hit, and Don't Run

It is easy to fall into someone, but it never been easy to heal the wound because of the fall.
It takes only a glimpse to start loving someone, takes few weeks to try to get along together, takes a few months to leave and takes few years to get through it.

Somehow I think love is like a sharp knife that cuts our hearts and souls. If the cut is done carefully and wisely, the result might be a master piece artwork. On the other hand, if it is not, and it only leaves the hearts and souls wounded for nothing but sorrow. Then the poor hearts and souls will change for ever, some learn from their pasts, some don't.

Love is a process I guess. Well you don't have to agree with me. It is like a piece of wood that turns to be an artistic wooden carving by the effort of an artist. An artist may take years and years to learn how to cut, carve, shape, paint and so and so before she or he can produce any wonderful carvings. Before the artist is skillful enough to carve a piece of wood and makes it to be a nice carving, she or he might need thousand pieces of woods, then throw them away. An artist might have cut his/her own hands, both during learning and making processes, but then it is worthy. Without this effort our artist will never be able to produce any single artistic piece of works.

Well, so it is fine to do mistakes, as long as we learn from our mistakes, like the artist above. Just then my naughty mind questions me, how to differentiate between persistent and don't know when to quit (oh yes, knowing when to quit is important I guess). How if I wasn't born to be a carpenter? How if I wasn't born to be a musician? How if I wasn't born to be a dancer? How if I wasn't born to be with him? When should I quit and face the truth?

Then…another naughty toying question is…what about those thousand pieces of woods? Has anyone asked how they feel? They are cut, scratched, hammered and so on, then they turn to be nothing but trash. They do nothing but helping someone to produce a masterpiece, and no one remembers them.

Requiem for "the losers" who are forgotten by the history.

The Loveliest Love Expressions

I don’t buy romance, simply don’t believe in any happy endings. There is no such happily ever after. We were born solely, and will depart solely. Again, thanks to Ron who tells me, 80% of relationships fail, so why it is so surprising when ours fail? Fall, then take a breath and stand up again.

Just because I ain’t a romantic person doesn’t mean I never fall into someone. It’s a big wrong, I fall, take a deep breath and stand back again, on and on. Or maybe it’s just my foolishness fall into some Mr. Wrong again and again, and simply hoping that one day I would find my Mr. Right. Indeed I am more into believing building the right relationship instead of finding Mr. Right. Oh well…enough introduction.

There are some lovely love expressions, some are mine, some are not (hey…even tho I use the word I, doesn’t mean all I write here is about me actually). And I am feeling happy enough to share some to you all.

1. Thank you, you make me happy more and more.
2. You make me feel loved.
3. You make me smile and laugh more.
4. You make me enjoy my life more than before.
5. You make me know that you care about me and let me love you without making me depend on you. You make me safe and comfort to be what I am. You are like a condom for me, make me feel secure and independent at the same time (ok…it’s mine for an adam)
6. Silence…and simply holds the eve he loves in his arms then strokes her hair.
7. I can find that CD if you want to, I can send it to you via international mail.
8. No one talked to me the way you did to me. You understand me well without me telling you anything (dang…the eve that this adam loves must be a psychic)
9. I have been searching him for years (look at someone on my friend list’s blog, you would see whose this line is ^_^).
10. You complete me.
11. Without you I am fine, but to be with you makes me alive.
12. I feel that you understand me well, thank you for loving me.
13. Silent and simply hold the hand of an Eve that this Adam loves and walks holding hand.
14. Honey you mean a lot to me, I cry when you cry (exactly when an Eve is almost crying).
15. You might be nothing to the world, but to me you are the world.
16. An elder couple who dances silently and stares at each other’s eyes.
17. A humble couple who rides bicycle under heavy tropical rain and the eve holds the adam’s waist tightly.
18. My mum’s blue plastic comb from dad (look at my ooooold blog about this non fairy tale)
19. My late dad’s notebook that was found by mum, and it’s written “To love is Titing”, “To live is Titing”, “To life is Titing”, “To be happy is Titing”. Nothing else but these lines filling the entire notebook (Oh yes, Titing is my mum’s nickname).

Then my best collection is below:

20. You are all and end all to me.

You have more? Please do share.

A New Thing Will Come after You Let Go the Old One

A friend told me that new things will come after I let the old thing go. It’s a Chinese saying, and I like it. It’s pretty wise I guess. Once, it meant I should let memories of an adam go, before get along with another adam. It’s fair enough. We cannot stick on memories of our exes when we want to start our new relationships. Unfortunately this wise friend of mine apparently has forgotten this saying. He doesn’t let the old thing go, so he cannot get the new thing.

I don’t know what to say to this friend of mine. He’s an adult, smart and wise enough to decide what he has to do. It is his own free will to decide. His life, his acts, his responsibilities, so there is no wrong about it, right? It’s just a pity, how he could persuade me to let old thing goes (no, I don’t regret it and do appreciate him for this), but he cannot persuade himself to let old thing goes.

I just hope that one day he would let the old thing go or fight to get it back again.

Heidi

I bought a DVD, Heidi. It’s an old movie, and used to be one of my favourite childhood stories. It’s about a Swiss orphan who lives with her grandfather after her aunt leaves her at that old man’s cottage. Then her aunt takes her to a wealthy family’s house to be an acquaintance of the family’s physically challenged daughter, Clara, for some money. Sure her grandpa gets upset when Heidi’s aunt takes her away from his cottage. He lets her go since he worries about the future of the girl (he’s old…what can you expect him to think?). Then for a while Heidi lives in Frankfurt and brings happiness to all, but she isn’t happy. She misses her grandpa and gets sick. Then Heidi returns back home, later on Clara goes to Heidi’s place and learns how to walk there.

I watched this movie with mum this morning. We were touched (forget about crying, mum doesn’t cry and never let her daughters to cry) by seeing how broken hearted Heidi’s grandpa when Heidi goes to Frankfurt with her aunt. He tells Heidi that he doesn’t want her to be with him anymore. He throws away Heidi’s doll. No, it’s not that he doesn’t love her. Personally I think it’s a simple scene but perfectly portrays how difficult it is loosing someone we care about. The life of Heidi’s grandpa, Mr. Koller, is fine before Heidi came. Then Heidi comes and changes his life, it becomes merrier and happier for him, but later on it is also more difficult to live without Heidi around him. It will never be the same again. Or maybe it would be better if Heidi never comes to her grandpa’s life?

What about in real life? How many times we have cried over someone? I met a cool bloke then I fell in love with him, then time to say goodbye, then broken hearted. Sure, it’s followed by some period of healing moment, before fall into the same trap again. Meet another cool bloke, in love, goodbye part, broken hearted, healing time and back to the first stage. On and on, such an endless exhausting journey. Perhaps, it is better not to open heart and stay safe in own shell, so there won’t be any broken hearted moments. There won’t be moments when I long for someone and feel as if there is part of me missing. Moreover I were born alone, and will depart alone. So, what’s the point of falling into someone? What’s the point of short period of happiness when it kills you deep inside? Maybe it is better not to fall in love with anyone.

Wake Up!!!

You don't care about yourself, then why should I care about you?
You don't love yourself, then why should I love you?
You don't try to help yourself, then why should I help you?

You Are Not What I Thought

I was the only muslim in my class couple of years ago. None of my classmates had seen how muslims pray, so when I prayed they looked at me amazed. Then I got bunch of questions.

“You do that everyday?”

“You kneel five times a day?”

“You wash your face every single time before you pray?”

“You wear that white costume when you pray?”

“What do you say when you pray? Is it in Arab?”

“Why do you do this?”

“Aren’t you bored kneeling?”

“Don’t you get dizzy?”

“I thought Islam is equal to terrorism, but you don’t look like a terrorist.” (I bet this friend of mine hadn’t met my ex boyfriends who would say that I was a terrorist at least in their lives once ^_^)

Well, I think it is understandable why some people have no idea, but terrorism, when they hear the word Islam. Since they only have enormous information from one single point of views.

One of my American friends, who never been to Indonesia, was scared to death to come to Indonesia. He couldn’t imagine what could it be for an American wanders around in the biggest muslim country in the world (yeah a secular one tho). He thought that Indonesian muslims hate Americans. But then, when he came and saw with his own eyes he was surprised. Oh…these Indonesians are as humane as others.

The way some Farangs who never been to Thailand think that Thailand is the land of prostitution and most girls are for sale. It sucks. But, understandable tho, since this information is the only thing that these dudes got. In fact…oh come on…there are more and more decent Thai girls (not saying that sex workers are indecent tho).

So, what’s so different between my American friend who had negative opinion against Islam since he had been constructed by negative information, with some dudes who think that Thailand is the land of prostitution while they never been there?

So…dudes…get out off your shell and have a look by yourself.

(No no…I am not that good muslim tho, so…let’s have some Margaritas)

Be All and End All

“When you have it, then you don’t need anything else in the world. Like when you have had the best coffee maker on Earth, then you will not need to find another coffee maker. Simply ends all.”

Then why 80% of relationships fail? Why many wedded couples go to court and fight there? I thought it should be a Be All and End All. Well, maybe the coffee maker doesn’t work anymore.

PS: Thanks for a bloke who relates me to this song.

Children of Adam and Eve’s

I am looking at my photo albums, recalling back my memories. There are lots and lots photos of my friends there, different races, ethnicities, religions, nationalities and so on. Looking at these colourful bunch of friends on my computer screen makes me wonder, how could I was told that we all are children of Eve and Adam’s? If yes, then how could we turn to be so colourful? But personally, I think this difference makes life more interesting. Well that’s not the point here, I am more toying with an idea about the future, not the past.

It seems that more and more people involve in interracial relationships, more and more mixed children wander around on Earth. What once was seen as a taboo, now becomes usual (I against normality, so I try to avoid the word normal). No, I don’t against this interracial relationship, I, myself don’t have any preference, but sexual preference when I date someone. I simply wonder what will happen in next 200 years. Maybe there won’t be any brownie girl with flat nose, black eyes and hair like me. There won’t be any yellow bloke with small black eyes like my friend in KL. There won’t be any girls with Viking looks, blonde, blue eyes, white. There won’t be girls with Middle Eastern looks with big black eyes and pointed nose. No curvy Indian girls wander around in saree. No Pocahontas with reddish skin. No curly brown hair with blue green eyes like my Jewish friend. Sigh, and no sexy African blokes with beautiful eyes and curly hair. All will just mix up together.

I cannot imagine how my great great great grandchildren will look like, maybe they will have a bit dark skin (what will be the colour if black, white, yellow, brown, red mix together?). What about the eyes? Big rounded eyes like middle eastern’s and Indians? Or small like Orientals’? Blue, green, grey, brown or black? Well hopefully my great great great grandchildren will have African eyes, since I think they are lovely. What about the hair? Straight like my Chinese friend? Straight like my Norwegian friend? Wavy like mine? Curly like my Jewish friend? Or curly like my African friend?

Somehow, isn’t weird to see all people have similar looks, since they all are mixed? No race anymore. No different colour. Hopefully there will no war and prejudice.

PS: Don’t get offended with my non politically correct words please.

How’s Your Burmese Boyfriend Doing?

I went out for a dinner with my Vietnamese friend. Then some other (a bit much elder) friends, an Austrian man, a European woman and an American who marries a Vietnamese Canadian woman came and joined us. We talked about many topics, my Vietnamese friend shared her stories about contemporary situation in Vietnam to our American bloke.

Stunned by how fluent my friend explained about Vietnam to others, the European woman commented her opinion. She said that she’s surprised that Asian woman could be so bright these days. “Perhaps because you have better nutrition now.” she added.

“I think we have different genes. Europeans’ are better. We have different figure, we are bigger. Then you also have more ladyboys, gays and such and such here in Asia. Not like in Europe. Don’t get me wrong, I think you girls are smart. But it’s just different. You also are more prone to…what is that when your mouth is not perfect and there is crack there?” she said. She kept arguing her opinion when men said that it was not true at all.

Then this angelic devil smiled,”So, how’s your Burmese boyfriend doing? Is he in Thailand or in Yangoon?”

When She Is Angry

God is angry because we, people, are bad. We are sinners so God warns us through disasters, like the current flood in Jakarta. To avoid God’s anger, we should introspect what we have done and sought Her forgiveness.

Well…no, it’s not my opinion. My God is a loving God, She doesn’t demand anything from Her creatures. She’s not an angry God who simply punish Her weak creatures through disasters. Moreover, She has other thing to do instead of punishing Her creatures.

If we need to please God, maybe we should sacrifice more. I have read that some ancient tribes sacrifice humans to soothe the God’s anger. So maybe we need to kill some people and sacrifice them to God. Let’s start by sacrificing our corruptors like during ancient time. I think it is better than sacrificing children to soothe God’s anger.

If the disaster is because of God’s anger, then we should please God. So why is it now we cannot sacrifice humans anymore? What makes it different?

Don't Cut Off The Trees

I got an sms from a friend in Switzerland. He saw on TV about flood in Jakarta. He also told me that (based on that TV show) the reason why of the flood is people cut off the forest in Jakarta.

I smiled while I was replying his message. “There wasn’t any forest in Jakarta, it was swamp before”

Teman, Malaikat atau Pengkhianat?

teman itu apa sih? kadang aku bingung
apa itu teman yang baik? dan apa itu teman yang tidak baik?
ketika aku melakukan sesuatu untuk temanku karena aku sayang sama dia (maka aku, asumsinya, baik), tapi bagaimana kalau kemudian aku kecewa dengan teman tersebut? dan berteriak dalam hati...

dude...i was the one who was there for you. i was the one who took care of you when you were low. not that person. you know how that person treated me badly, how could you do this to me?
nah...jadinya si aku teman yang baik atau tidak? atau si dia yang tidak baik?


mbuh...jadi...teman itu apa?

A Call from An Unknown Number

An unknown number rang me. I was suspicious who it was, he knew my real name, which was unusual. Most people only knew my nickname, Evie. Then he told me who he was and asked whether or not I still remembered him. I was so surprised when I knew who it was. It’s my primary school teacher, and we hadn’t met for almost 17 years. Oh my god…I don’t know what to say, it’s simply overwhelming. It’s wonderful to know someone cares about you for nothing.

What A Challenging Country

Sometimes it is difficult when my foreign friends ask me about Indonesia, I have to think carefully before answer their questions. How is the situation in Indonesia? What about the Indonesian culture? How is Indonesians’ lifestyle? Believe me, it is not that easy to answer these kinds of questions. Indonesia is a pluralistic country, so it is difficult to generalize the situations. Indonesia contains more than 13.000 (or 17.000 yeah???) islands, its people has hundreds of local languages with more local dialects, different cultures, different lifestyles and so on.

Once I explained a friend about how plural Indonesia is, he asked me what united Indonesia. At that time there was only one thing on my mind, Indonesian language. Bahasa Indonesia is our official language, so mostly Indonesians speak 2 languages, bahasa Indonesia and their local language, not all though, some speak Bahasa Indonesia and English/Chinese/Urdu. Now, I think there is another thing that unites Indonesians, it is disaster, both natural and human made disasters.

Indonesia lies on the fire belt, so it’s been pretty shaking for centuries. Earthquake here and there in this country, ranging from minor ones (5 Richter Scale is still considered as minor ones for most people here in this country, especially after the tsunami in Aceh…Oh…it’s a minor one, only 5 point something) to major ones. It’s only Kalimantan (Indonesia’s part of Borneo aka my hometown) is the safest island in Indonesia, in term of earthquake vulnerability only. From Sumatera to Papua, all is shaking. Then sure another most common phenomenon, volcano eruption, again, it’s here and there (but Kalimantan). Indonesia has hundred volcanoes, some are the most active in the world, Mount Merapi for instance. Only these two? Nope…still a long list here, starting from flood, landslides, fire in the jungles, some armed conflicts, well you just name it. Just hopefully the eternal snow on Jayawijaya keeps quiet and sits still. I just can’t imagine if the mount is erupted and melting the eternal snow…it must be horrifying.

So, what unites Indonesia? Not the language, not the culture, but its proneness to disasters.

Together because We are Not Together

I have received a new testimony from a friend “always being there for each other, but never together”. That testimony makes me smile, indeed he makes me smile all the time. What he says makes me think about how true it is, sometimes we can be so close to someone without being physically close. So, there is no personal attachment, no too much demands from both parties and so on.

A few while later, I told my dearly someone that I missed him badly, he said that he missed me too. However when I told him that I wish I could be with him more, he said that it might be bad for us. I don’t know, maybe it’s true, maybe we’ll get bored to each other easily and wish to return to our previous lifestyle. Or maybe some relationships work well because there is distance between the parties, so they can long to each other.

I recall my first puppy love memories when I was 11. I had a crush to my senior, I was blushing when he looked at me. I barely could speak a word when his buddies mocked us. I kept that feeling for 6 years, even after I moved to different place (holly crap…). There wasn’t any fight, just sweet platonic love. All was perfect, I could imagine him the way I wanted. It was such a wonderful dream (just don’t expect me doing the same thing anymore, I’m not that naive now ^_^), indeed it might be perfect because it’s only in my mind. If my family didn’t move to a different place, I might have a different story about him.

The way an Adam told me how he enjoyed spending time with an Eve and treasures all memories. Then he decided to leave that Eve to avoid horrible memories in the future. He wanted to keep his memories with that Eve and didn’t want to challenge them. He said he wanted to keep smiling when he remembers her. Poor Eve, she didn’t know what to say when it happened and let him walked away. I hope she will by chance read this, then smile with her lovely smile and thanks God for letting him go. So she could keep her wonderful memories with her Adam.

A geek told me that life will find the way, and I said love will find a way. What about love life? Sucks as usual, especially when someone you love tells you that he doesn’t have any love life.

Banjir

For the last few days I have received enormous sms and emails asking the same things. “Are you and your family fine?”, “Do you have sufficient water and food?” and “Don’t go out!”. So today I decided to send an email to many friends and relatives telling them that we’re fine, even though I cannot go to my mum’s place. The roads are blocked.

I am pretty lucky living in Menteng, an old fancy neighbourhood near by former President’s residence and presidential palace. Somehow it is amazing to see how this neighbourhood for centuries is saved from flood while Jakarta has been prone to flood since 17^th century. This neighbourhood used to be fancy Dutch neighbourhood, so the Dutch built excellent drainage in this area.

It is also amazing to realize how I still can enjoy my comfy bed hugging my goofy while hundred thousand people are homeless and awaiting to be evacuated. The way how amazing it is that I can chat (the internet connection at my place just works again) with my friends from different part of the earth while 60% of electricity supply has been cut to avoid further harm. My geek says that Menteng must be the safest place to live, Indonesia’s former king, who’s pretty old now (I don’t need to be politically correct for him), must be afraid of the darkness, and it won’t be cool if there is power cut in Istana Kepresidenan.

While hundred thousand people flee for their houses, a friend replied my sms when I asked whether or not she’s fine. She told me that she just baked brownies with 3 layers of strawberry filling, she dipped those strawberries in vodka and sugar, must be yummy. Another friend replied me that he was having roasted New Zealand lamb. While my brothers and sisters are busy cleaning up their houses, some other brothers and sisters are busy with their convenient lives.

Still, for how long this safe heaven is safe? There are times when all is nothing and nothing is all.

Reflection

I look at a mirror

I see my reflection

A girl smiles at me when I smile to the mirror

Tells me I am beautiful

I walk away

I laugh and cry

I forgive and ask to be forgiven

I look at a mirror

I see my reflection

A girl smiles at me when I smile to the mirror

Tells me I am beautiful

I walk away

I laugh and cry

I forgive and ask to be forgiven

I look at a mirror

I see my reflection

A girl smiles vaguely

Tells me she is sad

I walk away

I laugh and cry

I try to forgive

I look at a mirror

I see my reflection

A girl stares at me

She wants to cry

She is sad

I walk away

I laugh and cry

I try to forgive you

I look at a mirror

I see my reflection

A girl cries

Tells me to forgive myself

for not forgiving you

When It Fades Away

Last Valentine’s Day someone sent me a giant bouquet of white roses and lilies from no where. I was excited when I saw it. I carried it proudly…”Dudes…you can’t beat my man” “Girls, you have smaller ones, look at mine…it’s gigantic”. I recall how people dropped their jaws when they saw my bouquet, some asked where I got it from and I proudly said it’s from my man. From campus I brought it to my apartment, I enjoyed every single moment. I enjoyed the shock of my classmates when they saw that gigantic bouquet (I even told him that it’s a gigantic, and I barely could carry it).

I put my giant bouquet on a table and admired it before slept. Time went by. The roses faded and I had to throw it away. It broke my heart when I had to put it in garbage as if it’s useless. Once, it was beautiful, but then it’s nothing more than garbage.

It happened again on my birthday. The same person from no where sent me a smaller version. He sent me a bouquet of red roses, and until now, I think it is the most beautiful bouquet. It reflects me. It’s a simple bouquet, 18 big red roses, some small wild flowers and leaves, wrapped in green (ok…it’s not that simple, but compared to other bouquets he sent, it’s the simplest one…sure compared to 3 dozens of roses it’s a small one). From Unesco office in Thong Lo, I brought it back to Salaya. I enjoyed how people stared at me in sky train and bus. I put it on a table and enjoyed it every time I was at home. Then the time had come for me to see the roses fade.

Roses are beautiful, they bring happiness (at least for me). But then they fade and become garbage. Sometimes it is not easy to let a beautiful thing go. We want to keep it and never let it go, but everything changes. The only thing remains the same is change itself. Why is it difficult to see someone changes? I do change, you do change, s-he changes, it does too.

In real world, my mum has shown me how beauties turn to become garbage and still are useful. She had a garden in our house. She produced organic fertilizer and pesticide from garbage and pet’s poo or pee (well cows and goats were considered as pets in my family). We enjoyed the most delicious and sweet mangoes, blossoms of flowers, star fruits, bananas, coconuts, rose apples, guavas, chicken, fishes and so on from her garden. All were organic and healthy, and thank to the garbage.

Rose is rose, it just has different form, as a wise friend says.

Completed

If most relationships fail (see Ron’s comment on my blog “If Only I Have the Courage to be With You http://evie_sumardjono.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2007/01/if_only_i_have_.html#comments), then why we are so eager to be with someone? If most relationships don’t work well, why we are sad when we say goodbye?

Is it our nature to be with someone? Or is it because we are constructed to be with someone? I cannot say that the reason why we want to be with someone is because of sexual intimacy or sexual orgasms. Making love is more than sexual orgasms, I think it’s more about expressing the affection. Some might agree with me, some might not, and it’s normal (I don’t even know what normality is actually). I myself reach orgasms through meditation, sure it’s a different kind of orgasms, but pretty lovely too. It’s even more intense, no attachment with someone, more about knowing ourselves and bodies, it’s not even about wanking. Hell, I don’t know how to describe it.

A wise friend says that we should complete ourselves before being attached to someone else. When we are completed, we know our here and now (it’s like Frankl’s therapy no? Here and now…existentialism), then we don’t bother with what others do to us. If you love me, I smile. If you hate me, I smile too. I love you no matter what you do to me. When you treat me well, I would thank and take it as a learning process. When you treat me badly, I would thank and take it as a learning process too. Good and bad is only in our mind.

But, what is self completed? Does it require attractive physical appearance, smart brain, angelic smiles, bunch of love for others, good job, fine life style, love for self and so on? When I complete myself and not attach to someone, will it make me live in my own sanctuary and hide behind my comfort zone? Will I not cry when someone leaves me? I don’t know.

My mum tells me that in the end, we all will be alone. Be prepared for separation, she says. She herself spent 3 decades with my dad, until he departed. Mum says that he’s her soul-mate. It may be true, but still she’s alone now, not lonely tho. The death will depart some of us, and it’s more difficult than divorce (at least some friends say). We can avoid divorce or other human caused separation (even tho sometimes separation is a wise choice), but not the death.

If we are meant to be alone, why we need to be with someone?