Sorry

Hurting you is the last thing I want to do.
Sorry to give you wrong impression.
I do admire you, you are such a wonderful friend.
I love you, in a non-romantic way.

He Buzzed Me

Noah buzzed me when I shared a chapter of my life to you Eve. He skyped me. I saw his pic with his girl, and he changed it. I told him that it was a nice pic, he said it was a bit too slushy. I didn’t know what slushy was Eve. I didn’t care.

Noah asked my opinion about what kinds of projects that could be done there. I usually provided him info and nasty ideas. Not this time. I didn’t want to. Am I selfish Eve? It was for my people, not his. Is it too much if I want him to go away from me Eve?

Noah buzzed me right when I decided to let you to write it down to me, Eve.

I said nothing to Princess, I didn’t know what to say.

A Chapter in My Life

I was excited. There would be a party for me. Yes, I was the queen on that night. My clicks arranged a party for me. I simply couldn’t wait for that. I told them that I wanted to shake my bums. Dance…yippee….

I left home early. I carried my big backpack and rushed catching a bus to the downtown. The traffic on Friday late afternoon in Bangkok is usually horrible. I should be at Thong Lo sky train station at 5.30 and see Indie there.

I had arrived Thong Lo station at 5.10 pm. I rang Indie, asking where he was. I rang him again and again, but I couldn’t reach him. Oh well, I simply waited at the station and worked a bit. I tried to call him again, great, he answered me this time. He told me that he would be a bit late. Indie came at 6.05. He said that I was the first person who showed up on time in Thailand.

Indie and I searched the restaurant where we supposed to meet with the others. A veggie friend suggested a Japs veggie resto. It sounded

fine. Indie and I walked down on the street, tried to find the plaza. I was lousy on direction as always, but Indie was fine. Moreover he lived around there before. After few times got lost we found that restaurant.

The restaurant was quiet. There were only few customers, more waiters and waitresses than customers. Indie and I sat on a table, we were talking about many things, politics, gossips and so on. Dan, the veggie, rang me. He told me that he reserved a table for 10 persons already. I was surprised, 10 persons? Oh my goodness (oh no it was only 6 of us).

Indie and I told a waiter that we had reserved a table already. We moved to that table, it was a round one. Dan came. He was as cherries as always. He greeted us with his heavy accent. I like him. He’s such a jolly person. He told us that Maria would be a bit late, indeed Maria had sent me a message. So, we were waiting for Maria, Yin and Noah. Noah also rang me that he would be a bit late.

Actually my friends, at first I thought it was only Maria, were not keen Noah joined the party. Maria sensed the tension between Noah and I at the first time she met two of us. I was stubborn, I told Maria that I wanted him to attend the party. He’s part of it. I was a bit nervous, waiting for Noah and wondering what he would say. He congratulated me via sms, but it would be different.

Maria came and soon Noah came. His head bumped to a pillar at sky train station and bled. Poor him. Then it was like usual, five of us talked, gossiped about many things. Noah treated me like before. He was flirting with me again. Indie observed us and only smiled at me. The last one was Yin. We decided to move to another place. Yin said that she didn’t like the food.

We left. Noah was with me, his arm was on my shoulder. He mumbled that he didn’t have any roommate anymore. We both understood that it wasn’t the issue. I knew that he wanted to tell me that he’s no longer with her anymore. I stared at him, and asked, ”So?!” I simply didn’t want any drama anymore. He asked me to forget it. He was talking bullshit. Deep down, I couldn’t lie that I was longing to be with him. I wanted to spend the night with him.

Five of us, without Dan, went to another restaurant. Yin hadn’t had her dinner. It was a better place, that Jap restaurant was horrible. Yin enjoyed her food, while the rest enjoyed our drinks. Then Indie’s girl, Deer, came. She’s a lovely girl.

Yin was asking me what I wanted to do next. Indie and Deer insisted that I should club with them. Whereas Noah in a sudden told us that he’d meet his friend and friends of his friend. I was alarmed. My instinct told me that it would be her. I was confused. Yin asked me whether I wanted to go to her home right away or not. My instinct said…’yes Princess, go home with her. Don’t go with them, you would see her’. Unfortunately I was longing to be with Noah. I ignored my instinct.

I joined Noah, who was waiting for a call from his friend, Indie and Deer. We went to a nice bar for a while until Noah got a call. We went to a club. Noah told us to stay on the car. He stared at me. I understood his message. I told Deer and Indie to park the car. I think I didn’t send the message to them clearly. After parked the car, they went to that club. I followed them. Indie was asking me, he sensed the tension. Yes, it was true. My instinct was true. I saw him with a girl. She was tall and pretty. Somehow I felt that she’s the opposite of me. She held his arm.

Noah was smiling awkwardly to me. He didn’t say a word. I knew he felt uncomfortable (yes dear, I felt it, and I am sure you would try your best to prevent that meeting. Thank you for that). I introduced myself to her, sure I didn’t tell her about our affair. She introduced me to her friends. Indie worried about me. He protected me like a guardian angel. My face was straight. I told him that I was fine. He said that we could go anytime I wanted to. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even recognize my feeling. Was it anger, sadness or what? I didn’t know.

I went to the loo. I spent few minutes there. I tried hard to keep my tears. I didn’t want to cry. What should I cry for? Nothing….I couldn’t cry. I washed my face, looked at my reflection on the mirror and smiled. Deep down, I didn’t know what to do. I activated my defence mechanism, straight face. No one might see me crying, especially him. No way!

I went back to the dance floor. I danced with that girl and her friends. Indie was with me. Noah smiled at me vaguely. He was pale. Noah and I knew each other well. I knew how speechless he could be.

It was exhausting. I couldn’t pretend as if I were alright. I couldn’t say that I was fine. I went out, tried to call a friend. It was 11 pm and I hoped he was awake. I rang him again and again. I wanted to cry and ask him to save me. ‘Please take me away from this place.’ He didn’t answer me. He slept already. I was confused. I was exhausted.

I sat in front of the club, alone. In a sudden Indie came and sat next to me. He asked me whether or not I was fine. I asked him to look at my face, it was straight. But he knew. He knew the feeling inside. He asked me if I wanted to go to another club. I stood up and walked into the club. I danced again.

After a few minutes I told Indie that I was sleepy. I wanted to go home. Indie asked me to go to another club. I said yes. We left when Noah was in the loo. I didn’t bother to wait for him. What for?

Three of us, Deer, Indie and I, walked on the street. Noah rang Indie within less than 5 minutes. Indie asked whether or not I wanted to talk to him. I said no. I knew Noah. He had my number, he would call me if he knew what to say. Just say hi to him, I said to Indie. Indie told Noah that I was tired so we left.

I was toying with my mind. What should I do? Cry? No way! I decided to enjoy the night. I didn’t drink one single drop of alcohol. I wanted to keep conscious. I saw how Deer and Indie danced. They’re cool. Indie told me that he’s a professional dancer. He taught me how to dance. It was fun, but there was a hole in my heart.

I went to the loo (again). I was trying hard no to cry. I tried to neutralize my feeling. I activated my straight face mode. It wasn’t easy though. I had been working like crazy lately, and absolutely what I found on that night was uneasy for me.

I decided to send an sms to Noah. I told him that I was fine. He replied me instantly, he wasn’t an sms lover, so I knew that he was waiting for that. Blah…I just showed him that I was fine. It was for his sake, not mine. Why should I care if he felt guilty?

Finally we went back home. I stayed with Indie on that night. He had a two bedroom apartment. Shamed on me, I didn’t know he was coming. He saw my tears dropped. He asked me to cry, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to cry for nothing.

Indie and I talked a bit about that night. I told him that I had the feeling since before. He asked me why I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know how to answer it. He starred at me, and I knew that there was no way for me to hide it. I wanted to be with him.

I told Indie how I felt, cheated by Noah. How could he tell me that he didn’t want any stable relationship while he had someone else? He could just tell me that he didn’t want me anymore. Indie looked at me, carefully he said that he didn’t think that Noah was really with her. Indie thought that Noah was only playing with her. It was obvious. I knew. He flirted with me too, he wouldn’t flirt with any girls if he engaged in a serious relationship, right?

Indie stated it clearly. Noah was not looking for a relationship, he wanted to play. Indie agreed that Noah flirted with me when I asked his opinion. He thought that I was good for his ego, and Noah enjoyed my presence. Indeed, for Indie, Noah made the right decision. He wanted to play, and it was sure not with me. By changing our relationship, he could still flirt with me, without facing the risk of losing contact with me.

So, Noah wanted to play, but he didn’t want to loose me. Should I be happy? Why the hole in my heart still existed then? I fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke up and realized that I was numbed. I had no feeling. No hurt, no sadness, no anger, no flattered. Noah might play with others, but me. I was toying with the idea of not seeing him anymore until the wound is healed. I realized that Noah would be leaving on Tuesday morning, and I would be busy on Monday. The only days I could meet were Saturday and Sunday. I wouldn’t be here when he’d return. There was a glance of emptiness in my heart.

I rang Noah. I told him that I wanted to see him for the last time. He said that he would see me for sure. Noah asked what I wanted to do. Deep down, I didn’t know. All I know was I wanted to see him for the last time. I said I wanted to talk with him, simple talk, easy one. I could hear his breathing, relieved.

I told Indie that I would see Noah for a coffee. Indie looked at me worry. He wasn’t sure that it was a fine decision. Me neither.

I dressed up and went to that coffee shop. I told him that probably it was our last meeting. Noah was sure that we’d meet again. I doubted it, simply because I didn’t want it. I stared at him, I bet he knew the message that I did not want to see him. Let the time heals.

It was awkward. There was a deep silence between Noah and I for a while. Deep down there was a voice shouting, ‘Help me out off here’. I didn’t know what to do. Then my phone was rung. I said hello, and I heard a sweet voice from another continent.

An angel rang me. He saved me without even knowing what happened with me in Bangkok. My angel told me how much he missed and loved me. I was smiling, telling him back that I missed him too. I never had a strong feeling to him before, but on that time I knew he was for me. He would be with me always.

I saw Noah was staring at me when I was on the phone. I felt nothing, it was meaningless. Another chapter in my life had finished. I still had more chapters. My life wouldn’t stop just because Noah left me.

PS: Inspired by a true story

i miss you

by joe

i see u in the reflection of suns rays in the dew drops at the dawn,

i feel u every moment when a small breeze passes me thru,

plz remember my dear sweetest darling,

u are with me everymoment as a thought,

as a feeling,

as myself,

i have lost my identity after meeting u,

i no longer see my shadow with me,

i think it joined ur breathe,

that makes u feel me,

that makes u think of me,

that makes u miss me.............!!

Another way to be an exhibitionist

I read Mb Didin’s blog. She wrote that blogging is another way to be an exhibitionist. Maybe. I created my blog when I was bored with my thesis. I had many things on my mind, which absolutely not related to my thesis. Then I just created a blog and wrote some articles.

I express my nasty ideas on my blog. Blog for me is a personal space that I can share with they who want to read. I don’t have to negotiate with editors, proofreaders, customs, regulations, and so on. I simply write what I want to write, and I am sure I know the limit. I cannot offend others based on their background. Like Voltaire said that even though I don't agree with someone, doesn't mean I am allowed to offend. Just because I have different ideas, doesn't mean others cannot speak our their ideas. It is about my own political standpoint. Futher more, I may not declare others’ privacy either….good ol day at mental asylum ;)

Blogging is also another way for me to improve my writing skills. I am not going to post a bloody lousy article. It is not what others would think about me. It is about how I can express my ideas clearly. No matter how great my ideas are, but I cannot express them well, then just say goodbye. The greatest thing is no one will mark my writings. Ok Evie…you got an A. Congratulation. Or, Evie sorry you got an F. Work harder, will you?

Blogging is fun. One night someone skyped me. I didn’t know who he was. He read my blog and enjoyed it much (he said so). He liked my first posting about the fairy tale. He suggested me to publish it….ok I thought it was a big compliment, but I wasn’t sure that that writing was good enough to be published. Thanks Nathan, I really appreciated it.

For others, blogging might be a journal or another way to be an exhibitionist. Why exhibitionism? Because we show off, telling others....hey look at me. It is what happened with me. I am sad. I am happy. I am angry. Well...you can add it by yourself.

Apparently, blogging for me is an addiction (I got crazy on it….look at how I became an avid writer. I posted some features(?) within a day) and also a virus, infected more and more people.

I told some friends about my blog. I asked them to give me some comments. Instead of giving me comments, they started blogging. Yuni said that she wanted to write simple things, without any numbers at all.

G, my platonic love, a person who keeps his private life strictly, had created his own blog. Isn’t it great? He was complaining about something on a day before. He told me how disappointed he was. He had such utopian dreams, critical thinking, and warmth heart (oh ok…I can drop this last part). Unfortunately he was stuck on a system that not allowed him to develop his wonderful ideas. I told him to start his blog and write his ideas. This morning he told me that he had his own blog. It’s only one line tho. It's been a long daunting day, I hate this job, I need a change. Don’t get him wrong. He’s a witty well educated guy with good job, he’s just insane.

I could say that blogging is fun. I can express my feelings and ideas without any compromise but with myself. I found new friends. My friends were inspired to create their blogs too.

Open your computer and start writing. Girls…Lecrec said that we, women, need to express our ideas more. Don’t be afraid. Just write and write…oh ok type and type.

dan akupun terdiam

SMS-ku pun terkirim untuknya
ada getir di dada
dan akupun terdiam
sakit
getir

Aku ingin berkata sudah
cukup...hentikan
dia tidak lebih dari seonggok sampah
tapi hati ini berdarah

Pergi kamu
sesuka hatimu
aku tidak mau lagi
nggak sudi aku kamu bohongi aku lagi
biarkan aku sendiri dalam sunyi

Aku nggak butuh kamu
tidak perhatianmu
tidak juga pesonamu
muak aku

Bangkok 11 April 2006
Buat yang baru patah hati....rasanya pediiiiih

My Girl...another sad story

It is raining outside, like on that night.

It was 1 am. I was sleeping when the housekeeper at office rang me. She asked me to go to a hospital for a client. I was needed to accompany an incest survivor. My friend drove me to that hospital, and I stayed there until my colleague, her counsellor, came to replace me.

When I was there, she told me that she saw a big monster watches her. I promised her that I would be with her. She held my arm tight, and fell asleep. She was awake few times until she was sure I was with her. We didn’t talk much on that night, but it was the beginning of our deep relationship.

When she woke up, she told me how she felt. She was scared and angry. She didn’t understand why she had to live a horrible life. Was it too much if she wanted to have a loving daddy instead of an abusive one? She never had seen her daddy as a good daddy. He beat her mummy, even when she carried her brother. He hit her and caused her brother mentally and physically challenged. He hit his kids, and he didn’t let his kids play with others. He never said anything good but shouting at them. He didn’t support his family. Her mummy was the breadwinner. She worked like a hell to support the family.

That girl asked me what she had done wrong, why she had to have that kind of daddy. For years, that girl never said anything bad about her daddy. She kept it on her mind and never let go.

That girl was a good daughter. She followed what her daddy asked her to. She always prayed to the Lord, hoping her dad would be a good daddy oneday.

Where the Lord was, she asked me. He raped her for the first time right after she prayed. It was so unjust. She was kneeling, but no one helped her. Lord didn’t listen to me, she said. I didn’t know what to say. The wound was so deep. The anger was there…how could I say…No the Lord is always with you….

That girl was crying, and she swore to her dad. Was it wrong for her swearing to her daddy? Did it make her to be an ungrateful daughter? Was I a lousy counsellor since I let her saying that her dad was a satanic dog? Were we both sinners? I didn’t know. All I knew she was more relaxed after that and she fell asleep a bit later.

It was cheering seeing how that girl survived. Little by little she developed her new self confident. She set new dreams. She told me that she wanted to be a lawyer, like our lawyers. She wanted to help other girls like her. Thanked God, there was a wonderful person who gave her scholarship. She went back to school. She even started dating with a nice young man. He knew everything about her, and he was there to be with her.

That girl even acted as a counsellor want to be for another rape survivor. I was outreaching a 13 years old girl, who carried a baby. Raped by her step dad, and her mummy was furious with her (No…don’t blame her mummy…it was too difficult for her to face the truth).

My girl was with me. She talked to that little girl like her big sister. I watched them, and enjoyed my tea and snacks. The little girl was crying, she said nothing but beat her lips. Tears dropped on her chubby cheeks. She held her handkerchief tights. I was smiling when I saw my girl hugged her. I knew that my girl would be a wonderful lawyer. Yes, she’s bright and sharp enough for that. No doubt about it.

Then I moved to Bangkok. Before leaving, I met my girl and her boyfriend. I reminded her to study well. She said she would. But, life is not as simple as what I dream off. She quitted her study and decided to marry. I was surprised when my colleague (her counsellor) told me. I was disappointed. I was hoping her to be a lawyer. I always believed (and still do) that she would be a great lawyer for abused women and children. But it was her life, I couldn’t say anything. She made her decision, and I hoped it was the best one.

Bangkok, 9 April 2006
For my girl...I will be back soon, wish to see you again with smile on your face.

Twentysomething

gosh...it's so true
hilarious
a song by jamie cullum

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare
and that’s a hell of a lot but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers?
Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.
I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love that could solve it all,
philosophers say that that’s enough, there surely must be more.
Ooooh
Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts.

But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

I’m a twenty something.
Let me lie in, Leave me alone.
I’m a twenty something.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

Voice of Love

by Joe

when i feel the warmth in the suns rays,
i remember being in ur arms,
when i see the beauty of twinkling stars,
i remember ur smile,
when i feel a cool breeze from the mountains,
i feel ur heart calling me,
but how can i share my feeling to u my dear,
it's the language of love,
something which cannot be written, typed,
just to be understood

No Drama Please

It is not about how someone hurts you, but it is about how you let someone hurts you. No one can hurt you when you don’t allow it. You cannot control others, but you can control yourself. Why should you beg someone to be with you, while (s)he doesn’t want it? (S)he would be with you, no matter how difficult it is, when (s)he wants to be with you. Drama wouldn’t work out.

Don’t expect others would love you when you don’t love your self. Indeed, how could you believe others love you when you don’t even love yourself? No matter how much someone loves you, I bet you wouldn’t believe it. You wouldn’t believe that you are precious for anybody else. Go away from a self-hatred person. Don’t waste you time.


For A, thank you to remind me.
Bangkok, 8 April 2006

Pass

Mama and Kakak rang me this morning. Mama said that she's sure I would pass the defence. She always believes me. Thanks Ma.

Soon after that phone call, I prepared everything. I wore Mama's pearl earrings, I looked like her more and more. My skirt was given from Kiki, and shoes were from Fira. I wasn't alone.

Pass....I did it (once again)

When a Friend is Coming

Kathy rang me just now. She told me that she was at Bangkok airport, just arrived. She said that she would be attending my defence tomorrow morning. I love you sis....

Indeed I just went back from the airport to see Mb Avi. She was there for a few hours. She told me that it would be fine as long as I am well prepared.

Hugs and kisses...

Love

lipstick and i

Few months ago in Banda Aceh, I asked A, ’What do you think the need of internally displaced women?’ Well, he knew me already so he was alarmed (yup…your face showed it dear, you looked at me with your curious eyes), he said those four basic needs, water, sanitation, shelter and food (what a walking textbook my dearly A was…yeakh). I said, ‘No. It is lipstick.’ And he laughed like a hell.

A, I was serious and you laughed at me. Boo hoo….how could you do that to me L
I was serious. I was with internally displaced women, sitting with them at barracks, chatting and sometimes teasing cosmetic sellers. In my arrogant opinion (if I were humble with a humble opinion, I wouldn’t express my opinion, nor explain my arguments) I really thought lipstick was a basic need of women there.

I asked the seller, what his best selling products was. He told me that it was lipstick, ranging from 5000 to 20.000 rupiahs. I asked the women there, they said that they want to be pretty…wink wink blink blink. They didn’t want their husband find someone else, so they had to maintain their beauty. Indeed lipstick was considered as the simplest make up kit. Just apply a bit of lipstick (sorry, for it wouldn’t be a bit, but lots hehehehe), and you would be fresh, that simple. You don’t need thick foundation, face powder, eye shadow, and so on, just lipstick.

These women told me how beautiful it was when they hubby came home after work. One among them really loved lipstick. She said that her hubby loved when she wears it and he kisses her more. ‘Evie, you haven’t married yet. You don’t know how it is when he just comes home, looks at you smiling, and kisses you like crazy. My husband kisses me like that. He is crazy about deep red lips.’ The rest were laughing at her.

Another woman said that she wanted her hubby to go back to her and their children. She did not want any mistresses, so she had to keep her beauty. It would be unbearable for her to be abandoned by her husband. Life would be a life anymore, stigmatized and pitied by the community. No…that’s not life that a woman wants to have. It would be much easier to wear lipstick, spend some money on it, and smile like heaven to the man. Smart decision I thought.


Then I asked further question, ‘How could you be sure that when you are pretty he wouldn’t leave you? I know some beautiful women who are left by their husband.’ No one answered me. We knew that we live in uncertain life. Why is it more difficult for women to be left? (I am not saying that men cannot be hurt….what I as saying is why it is more difficult) Why women don’t wear make up and keep their beauty for themselves? Why we have to do it for men?

Men…what do you do to maintain your beauty? Why do you say that your wife is not pretty anymore after delivered your babies? Look at you, how could you say your wife is not attractive anymore while your belly is like balloon. Why do you say your wife is not sexy anymore, when you are not either?

the Bank

So your organization (beep) gives lots of money to the World Bank, no?

Yes.

Why?

Because the Bank facilitates development projects in various developing countries, including your countries. You know that development projects are initiated to alleviate the poverty, and the Bank does its works well. Etc etc etc (it would be a class on development idea yeakh)

Yeah, but why the World Bank? Why not other bank?

Honey…it is THE WORLD BANK…..hmmmm something’s wrong (he was alarmed)

Yeah, but if you want to put your money in a bank, what would be your considerations? Would be the balanced, branches, ATMs…you know that sort of things. But how could you rely on that small bank? How could they name them as The World Bank. They only have 3 offices in Indonesia, Jakarta, Aceh and Papua. They don’t even have any money machine. No ATM. Tsk tsk tsk you silly…you wouldn’t chose a bank with lack of ATMs, right?

(and the most serious guy who didn’t smile and laugh was blasting his laughter like hell…indeed it wasn’t that funny)

Do the Bank and its allies bring prosperity to my country and other developing/poor countries? So why do the gaps even bigger and bigger?

For someone I was fond of. I still admire you as a person, but I don’t fancy you anymore. Thanks for everything. Friend...na? Dee mai? Au ahan omlette na ka...di chan chop mak...pee ka...di chan au ahan omlette na....dai mai? Dai na...

Ain't an Angel

Can I have your number?

No. Sorry but it is personal.

But I don’t have any bad intention with you so far?

Still no ;) you can just send me emails.

Don’t you want to see me? I can take a good care of you?

What do you mean take a good care of me?

I can support your life. I can be very good to you.

Mmm no thanks. I have been taking care of my life for 10 years, and fine so far.

But I can be your good friend.

I have good friendssss already, and they don’t need to buy me.

So you are not gonna give me your number?

No.

Ok. You miss the chance.

Yup. Bye.



Do you want to travel with me?

Hmmm?

Second week of May.

Hmmm no. I can’t. I even have to pass a trip to Geneva on May. Moreover, I don’t want to travel with you. Sorry.

Hahahahaha you don’t have to pretend to be someone else in front of me.

Excuse me?

You don’t have to pretend to be someone else in front of me.

What pretending?

Yeah…

Hahahahaaha you thought I was lying? Which part? That I pass a trip to Geneva on May? That I am an affiliate at a UN agency? That I am taking a graduate? That I don’t want your bloody gifts? That I make more than what you offered me to be with you? Holly cow, I am not a prostitute (pardon me, I was offended by a silly poor rich person who thought can buy everything with his money). WTF with your money.

Mmmm

Hey…I don’t care how much money you have. I don’t need your money. I don’t need you to take care of me. If I need something, I will fulfil it by myself. Goodies…hello…I was showered by 3 dozens of red roses from someone who really loves me. Then my wonderful angel, she protects and showers me with her love. Why do I need you?

But we can be friend. I can be really good to you.

Stop it. I am sick of you.

Why don’t you express it in a polite way?

Why do I have to be polite to someone who offended me?

I did not offend you.

Ok. So…find someone else. You just waste my time. Not all money can buy. Go to hell with your money.



I just woke up and remembered how nasty these conversations were. He made me understand how difficult it is to be a sex worker (at least for me). The humiliation from others, ignored and condemned, but they have to survive for the sake of their family.

For my angel, I don’t know how to express my love to you. I only can show you this story to say that you are the opposite one. I am grateful to what you have done to me, in sadness, happiness, anger and fear. I love your wonderful husband too. He was my counsellor when A left me (sure with his bloody lawyer style). I love you guys.

Three Dozens of Red Roses

I had never had any flowers in my life until February 2006.

I told Justin last year about my lack of flowers life. He said that apparently I dated to less romantic guys. He was amazed actually. He told me that he gives flowers to his girls, anytime, any occasion.

Last February, someone sent me. A huge bouquet of white roses and lilies. It was grand. So huge...difficult to carry. I went back home from campus with that giant bouquet. It boosted my pride....Hey...look at me...I have a giant bouquet...Dee mai??? I went to a shop, and the salesperson asked me how much it was....I said...mai ru ka...a gift na ka. I said that with big smile on my face. Oh yes...Justin saw it when I received it. He said that finally I got one.

On March 7, my birthday. The same person sent me another giant bouquet. It was a bit smaller (I told him how giant it was before), but it was really me. It was simple (only red roses and some wild flowers), but really reflecting who I was. I got (still) huge bouquet of red roses though. More than a dozen of red roses.

There was a hilarious story behind my birthday bouquet. I just started join the UNESCO, hadn't been introduced in a formal way. Basically I just informally said...Hi I am Evie...only my boss knew my real first name.

In a sudden on that Tuesday morning, I got a phonecall from the front office, asked me whether my name was Ervita. It took hours for them to find my real name, they had to open the HR file first to make sure there was any Ervita. Then...the courier, with a huge bouquet, followed by some guards went to my office. My boss was laughing. He pitied the courier, our guards should suspect that bouquet as a bomb, that's why the followed him.

Today...almost a month after my birthday. Three days before my thesis defence day, I got another bouquet. Three dozens of red roses. Justin saw it. He inquired me who it was.

Evie...so who is it?
Where does he live?
How old is he? He's not married, right?
He's not A, right?
What does he do? Is he that chocolate guy?

So J...He's a person that you don't know.
He doesn't live in Bangkok.
He's much older than I am. No...he's not married anymore.
He's not A.
He works for a company. Yes, he's the chocolate guy.

For HP, thank you. Thanks for everything.

Bangkok, 5 April 2006

This time i will be alone

I had my mama, papa, sister and bestfriends during my undergraduate defence on 2000 (in Indonesia we have to write a thesis for bachelor degree...yikes...)

Mama came to Jogja and spent her time to be with me. She cuddled me, showered me with love. The most wonderful love in my life. She prayed and prayed. She believed that I would do it great, not merely well (ssshhhh I was top student ;) wakakakakakakak )

Papa was calling me before and after the defence. Indeed he rang me everyday, and more when i had exams. (I miss you pa) Kakak was calling me too.

Timbul was waiting for me outside when i defended my writing (in Indonesia we have to write a thesis for bachelor degree...yikes). He carried all my stuff. Mbak Irma was outside, waiting me. Rieka was calling me after. Then boom...for weeks i was greeted and congratulated.

Then...when I was attending the profession school. I lost my papa. He passed away during my first semester. Don't ask me how my feeling of losing him. No one would replace him from my heart. The love that I had (and still do) still remain the same.

Losing my papa didn't stop me. It wasn't easy though. I lost many things in a short period of life. Within months, I found there was almost nothing left. Thanked God...I had friends. When I was down, and toying with the idea of quiting school...half of my colleagues went to see me. They told me that I would be fine. Indeed...I did it well.

I had my bestfriend Rima, who was supporting me with all her love. She was with me during my struggling moment (hey...I avoid using the term struggling session ;) ). I had the most wonderful click...Mb Dhawie, DJ, Mb Umi, and Iik. I enjoyed our friendship sis...I miss our TAT time. I miss the cries, laughters, hugs, all the affections. (Who will be my next victim? hehehehehe)

I had Vena and Ricky...miss you guys...I will be back soon. Ricky is a wonderful friend. He looked after me when I was sick. He cooked and fed me like a baby. Meanwhile, Vena was amazing. He encouraged me in his own way.

Indeed, I was doing it well too. Graduated as a top student. Tapi tetep pentalitan juga. Mama, Kakak, Pak Aji, Mb Ina, Bintang, Ara, Rima and Skye were attending the ceremony. I was smiling happily to them. Mama was smiling all the time. She always has her faith on me. When all are gone, I know that I still have her. Thank you Ma.

Now...2006. Bangkok. I am sitting alone in the common room. Trang just left me. (She went back home, and I will join her and Sophana for dinner.) Away from home (what is home actually?).

I rang my mama few times yesterday. I wanted to tell her that I will defend my thesis on Friday, and I am nervous. What if I fail? How if I cannot answer the questions well? Bollock....Sumie told me that I shoud focus on the positive possibility...she even has arranged the party already. :p

Away from home. Alone in a foreign country. I wish mama was with me. I miss her. Away from my sister and her family.

Away from my support system...away from Mb Dhawie. Away from Mitha my cutie pie. Away from Kiki my guardian angel.

Three days from now, I will do it alone.

A has to go back to Aceh soon. He told me that he would try to attend my graduatin ceremony before, but his boss made him going back to Aceh. He had to change his plan. Likely he would be in Aceh on that time.

I rang Mas Hardy, asked his availability to attend my graduation ceremony on the 28 (if...I pass the defence). I will ask Mb Diah too. I hope she will be available.

Oh well...but now...I have to be ready to be alone. My papa is with me. Always. He never leaves me alone.

Bangkok, 4 April 2006

men and fishes

Nope, it's not mine....Ian's...yes, Ian is a he. He compared men and fishes

Hey, are we that much different?
Both cold
Slimy
Wriggle around
Brainless
Put everything we see in our mouths
Easily hooked

But Ian is not a fish, indeed he is the poseidon
with trident walked at the dungeon
saw a woman with a bottle of love poison
unfortunately he was abandoned

You are hilarious dude....you should write comedy ;)
In bed with fish, sister?

Keep It Simple Stupid!!

Keep it simple stupid....oops nah silly is better

Conversation between Avi ( >:) ) and Evie ( O:) )

You need to improve your English!!! Sigh...when will i be able to use this language well? :(

You need to improve your writing skills!!! Boo hoo...no objection for this

Don't write too long!!! It's confusing. :p

Clarity of your writings reflects the clarity of your mind. ^_^ sis...it's me, i even am confused with my jumping ideas sometimes

One sentence, one idea. What are you trying to do??? Confusing others??? Like in daily life? ;)

Don't be too self centered!!! Learn from others. Yes Ma'am

Change the background!!! You made my eyes exhausted. Done


Thank sis...love ya

gelas gelas mhuaaaaaaachhhhh....ih (cup cup bersin gitu loh)

Bangkok, 5 April 2006

Love and marriage, like a horse and carriage

This morning (actually just now) I received an email, from a person I never met but we keep sending emails. Yup, bunch of emails almost every single day, without making me bored with him. Oh…no…it’s not a romantic relationship at all. He simply is a (well presumably) humble witty person…yup it’s a concrete compliment for you mas.

We spoke about companionship before. He told me that marriage is not as complicated as I thought (hmmmmm…really???), yes he is married and (hopefully) happy with it. That is why he could say that to me. Again…this mischief (Bengal means mischief) is busy with her dumb head ideas and questions.

One of my good friends, has been married to a wonderful woman for years. I knew that he loves her deeply (yup he told me, and I trust him..well there is no reason for him to lie on it, and no reason for me not trusting him). Yet, he sleeps with many women. I asked him a simple silly question…’You are married, you love her, you don’t want to spoil your marriage, but why do you sleep with other women?’ He smiled at me and said that he might be unfaithful to her, but he is loyal to her. Big gulp then….I didn’t have any idea what he meant on that time (I must be pretty kiddo on that time, ok actually I am not sure that I understood now :p). I thought when I get along with someone, especially within a legal social institution what we call marriage, then it would be only he and I. No other person involved, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was too romantic.

Few months after the above conversation, my good friend and I were talking about marriage. He had been married for 2 decades already. He met her when I was 1 year old…oh yes…that long. They love each other, deeply, and they don’t make love for more than 10 years. Another big gulp. His wife met another man, he met another woman, but they still keep their marriage.

Well, it’s not the only story, since I have another good friend with a similar story. She doesn’t make love with her husband for more than 10 years. She keeps her marriage, not because she loves him, but for her wonderful little one. GULP….

My colleague told me, marriage is like our need to the loo. They, who are outside the loo, want to be inside the loo and finish what they need to do. On the other hand, the one in the loo want to go out. Funny….yes…peeing is believing.

Maybe I think too much…maybe I should stop thinking. But pardon me…how could I not think about this? ‘I love her/him, I am loyal, but I am in bed with someone’. ‘I love my partner, but I don’t make love with him/her’….aaarrrgggghhhhhh Oh, ok so…the question is about sex then. Is it really important?

The one I mentioned at beginning told me that sex is not the most important thing in marriage. Ok…let’s say it is true. Then….why are there many couples get divorce because of sex problems? Why are there many sex shops? What about rape cases, including within marriage…yup marital rape (come on don’t give me any lecture on sado-masochism at this moment…I might against normality so…don’t push me to analyze it by using Papa Freud’s psychoanalyse…Irrigaray rules now)


Ok…move on…few weeks ago, my friend (forgive me…but yes, I have many friends, and I love them) and I were chatting on a stable relationship idea. He told me that he didn’t believe in marriage, but in fairy tales hehehehe (well…I still believe that marriage can be fine, not the most important thing tho, but I don’t believe in fairy tales). He was questioning my idea on a vague ‘legal’ social institution called marriage. For him, to be with the woman he loves (vice versa for sure) that would be enough. Wedding is not for the sake of the couple, but for the society. We hold grand wedding ceremony so others would recognize how wealthy we are. He persuaded me, that my stories negate my idea on marriage (what is my idea on marriage? I don’t know hehehehe). Well, but for me, it seemed that he mixed between wedding and marriage up together. They are different no?

Why do we need to marry then? It seems not for sex…well marriage doesn’t push my friend to keep his dick in his pants. And we can have sex without that legal consent, some people chose ONS, one night stand…but for other it would be Oh No Sex. For me..One Nice Skirt (wink wink).

Bangkok, April 1, 2006

Dedicated for my loyal and faithful mama, the most wonderful wife and mother in my life (excuse me…she’s my mum…why should I chose other’s mum???); and the most agreeable woman in my life, the bravest coolest granny. I am so proud to be your offspring. (pssst…girls…my granny told me 1 important thing…if he’s not good in bed, kick him away; keep him if he’s good)

too sleepy to think

I was chatting with a friend of mine. It was a bit surprising, he was buzzing me on skype. Surprising since he told me that messaging is simply wasting time (no objection…but I got some info, jobs, choco, bla bla bla through it too). Ok…that’s enough for the intro…

My friend was asking me whether or not I thought bad about him, again it was surprising. I never thought he would ask me that question…oh well maybe my silly responses made him wondering. Indeed, he’s such a wonderful person, a reliable friend that one can trust and lean on. He’s an angel in denial (don’t get mad dear…you know how dearly you are inside). He barely smiles and laughs (ok…people said so…not me…when was the last time you didn’t smile/laugh while you were with me? hmmmm only once I guess on January before you were heading back to my new hometown), indeed, he’s a funny silly person. Ok…that’s enough about him. I am not really keen to describe him here….it’s my blog, not his fans club web. What I want to write is about part of our conversation about self.

I asked him…who are you A? He gave me a simple answer…not sure whether or not he thought about that answer before. He asked that question back to me. I didn’t tell him anything. I was avoiding to answer….oh yes sir…you said that sometimes it can be bloody difficult to get a clear answer from me for such a clear question.

One or two hours after that cyber conversation with him, I was alone at my balcony. It was midnight and the sky was clear. Cool weather, after heavy rain. Alone and quiet…and I looked at the sky and the market opposite my flat. I was questioning myself…so…baby whale…what do you want now? What do you want next 5 years? What will you do next? Hello…is that really you? Silly I know….

Then i remembered what Sumie said to me this morning..do you want square men? I didn’t know how to answer it….maybe that’s my problem. Another friend asked me today…Evie why are you still a single? (Gulp…even my mum stopped asking me this question. She gave up already.) Guys…please tell me how to answer this delicate question…..actually…do we have to be with someone? I enjoy my single status. Well…I don’t need any ‘mate’ to see movies at cinema, attend parties, shopping, I can go to many places by my own, and nothing’s wrong with being alone.

Companionship is great, it’s wonderful…you see, kiss and hold the one you love before you close your eyes. When you wake up in the morning you see him/her. It must be wonderful during the first month…but hello….fairy tale lovers…what about a real long lasting stable relationship. You will see the same person for the rest of your life (I still think it’s a pretty romantic idea…wouldn’t mind having it when I met the man in my life). Well…what about TV…should I share my remote control with someone? Hmmmm….should I share my bed with someone? Arrrrrgggghhhhh gulp….am I selfish? Maybe….

While I (and I think more people) want to be free, don’t bother with any stigma, some other people are crying to bump into a relationship. My friend was telling me how lonely she was since she lost her boyfriend. She desperately needs someone. I love her so much, she’s like a sister for me. I didn’t have the heart to see her crying, but I don’t fancy her idea of being with someone to make her happy. I think happiness depends on the person, not others. I felt sad about her, she forgot that there’re many people who love her, including me. )I wouldn’t bother to talk with someone for hours if I don’t care about that person :p )

(Funny…I remembered someone now. The one who makes me smiling…my angel…I am so glad that you found me (can I say that you found me?).)