Living alone means I don't have to share my remote controls. I can do whatever I want. I am the master…oops mistress. My quiet sanctuary is wrecked by a boy in diaper who cannot even pronounce his name properly.
He has the spirit of Julius Caesar, vini vidi and vici. He comes, he sees and he wins. Who say that children are powerless than adults? Look what this little rascal has done.
1. Wall and floor are his favourite canvas, no matter how many times we tell him no. So we compromise by covering the wall and teach him how to clean up the floor.
2. Cartoons and news on TV for almost 18 hours/day. There is no way to change the channel, we need to persuade him to watch other shows and mostly it's useless. Only his granny can change the channel and watch a soap opera at 6 pm. She warns everyone including that little dude, that she would return to her own home to watch this soap opera if she cannot watch it. Duh…
3. What about AC remote control? Forget that it exists. Go hide it before he gets it.
4. He says that he loves my place. He often misses my place, not to see me but my bathroom's sliding door. He comes in and out million times, no matter it is vacant or not.
5. It's wasting time to tell him that he should not tickle my feet to wake me up when he's awake.
6. There is no point persuading him that his computer toy is as exciting as my laptop. He says that he wants to work like his Ade on big computer, not on that kiddo stuff. (Unfortunately my friend who met him and went out for ice cream agreed with this. "Why should he get kiddo stuff if mummy and aunty have real ones?")
7. There is no point to tell him that my camera is not a toy. He keeps toying with that camera. So I have to compromise and tell him how to use it.
8. Once he joined me having an ice cream with a friend, since then he only wants two kinds of ice cream. The one he has at his granny's home and the one he had when he was with my friend and me. He says other ice cream is not yummy.
9. What about eating time? It is useless to feed him, he feeds adults. He feeds his granny and I like babies. Can we say no to him? Forget it, he would remind us to eat so we would grow bigger. Lately he imposes adults around him to eat, or else they will die.
10. It is useless telling him that my books and documents are not colouring books. When I told him to see what kind of paper it was before drawing on it, he said, "But I cannot read." The way it is useless to tell him that my legs are not canvas.
11. When his granny is angry with him and tells him to apologize, the dude would do. "Soyyie Patyick yeah Spongebob." (Sorry Patrick yeah Spongebob, well he doesn't know the word to forgive yet, indeed he's trying to say "Forgive Patrick yeah Spongebob", while Patrick is his granny and he's Spongebob, instead of "Forgive Spongebob").
12. Don't bother to keep your cappuccino away from him. He would make it by himself. Moreover it is useless to tell him that he should drink juice and milk, not coffee.
13. The dude surprised his teacher by colouring a picture of a glass with black, while his classmates had other colours. He simply replied it's coffee.
14. It is useless to tell him that my lipsticks are not crayons. He still grabs my lipsticks, no matter what brands they are, Clinique, Body Shop, MAC, Estee Lauder, Bobbi Brown, or whatever, he simply uses them as crayons. His most favourite canvas for lipsticks is my tall mirror hanging on the wall. As well as it is useless telling neither him not to apply lipstick on my lips nor his either. He finds it is amusing seeing us like clowns while I hate clowns.
15. There is no point tell him that his body and clothes are not canvas.
16. I found that it wastes my time and energy asking him not to swing my tall mirror. No matter how many times his granny and I warn him, he keeps doing it until he saw my wrapped up leg. So I told him that he would be wrapped up top to toe if the mirror falls over and hit him. He stops swinging the mirror for a while.
17. The dude stays with me for a while since his granny looks after me while my ankle is wrapped up nicely like a birthday gift. It interests him. It is useless telling him not to knock it. So the better way is asking him to give my right leg massages. He does give me massages with his tiny palms. Well, it's more like he pinches me hundred times instead of pampering me.
18. Once he threw his toy and accidentally hit his mum's forehead. It's useless to tell him to apologize. He insisted that he should be punished and beaten instead of saying sorry. It's useless to tell him that no one may and wants to beat him, until he was told that the one who beats him would go to jail. Then he said sorry to his mum.
19. He simply says, "It is not tasty." No matter who serves the food, and sometime it is embarrassing when others give him meals.
20. He loves phones. Everywhere we go, if he sees any public phone booth, then we have to stop and ring someone. Real phone calls, not faux ones. So, if we see 10 booths it means we have to stop 10 times.
21. What is a cellphone? Forget that it is a personal belonging. "Heyo, ic thic mictey tyain? Pyease take Spongebob to Bandung." (Hello, is this Mr. Train? Please take Spongebob to Bandung.). Once even worse, he dialled a number, an international one. Bye bye phone credit, I needed to reload it again.
22. He refused to go to school because his teacher threw away his centipede which he thought should go to school too. (It's useless telling him that Ulil the centipede doesn't need to go to school)
23. On another day he refused to go to school. When his teacher asked him, he simply replied, "Skyuy not fun. Spongebob boyd." (School is not fun. Spongebob is bored).
24. It's useless asking him to count in Bahasa Indonesia only when he is at school. He keeps counting in English. The way it is useless telling him that butterfly and kupu-kupu; blue and biru; purple and ungu are the same.
25. What is his least favourite number? It is six. No matter what language he counts in, he skips 6. Well at least he's been consistent, either in Bahasa Indonesia, English, Javanese, Sundanese or Dutch, he skips 6. When he is reminded to count six, he simply says that he doesn't like 6 so he skips it.
26. It takes lots of energy, especially not to laugh to take him sleep. Even tho the TV and lights are off, and we all are in bed he would keep noisy. He demands this and that, talks and tickles everyone. One night after I switched off TV and lights, pretended to sleep, he hugged Goofy, woke up and prayed, "God, ay syeeping. Spongebob have no fyen. God heyp me. Dayk." (God, all is sleeping. Spongebob have no friends. God help me. Dark.)
27. He changes words the way he wants and let others guess. The latest one he changes other vowels in words into Es.
28. The winner is…sure Chinese New Year fever with barong sai insanity. It is absolutely noisy when he dances or plays the drum (it's a plastic container actually). Looking forward to see when this fever ends.
So, who says that children are powerless? I turn to be powerless against this boy in diaper.
Bob, Goofy and Ade miss you.
