Sweet Revenge

You came, with the same perfume you had before. The same perfume you had few years back when you approached me. You came to me with the same scent when you said that you loved me. I smiled and asked,”F (beep…I don’t want to be suspected advertising some perfume)? Smelled good.”

Yeah, once I loved you more than I could imagine. I never loved anyone the way I loved you (ssshhhh it’s all past tense). I had the most beautiful love in my life for you. You completed my life. I couldn’t imagine what it would be living without you beside me. You were the only person I dreamed about. You were the only person I wanted to live with. I couldn’t think about someone else but you.

You gave me strength. You taught me how to cry. I felt special when I was with you. Until that day…you wrecked all my dreams, love and hopes. Yeah…those stormy days. When you walked away from my life and left me alone. Hurt. I cried wanting you come back to me. There was nothing, you laughed at me. I didn’t even know what I did wrong to you. Have I hurt you? Why did you hurt me badly? Why did you let her treat me that way? I was the one who held you tight when you were sick. I was the one whom you said completed your life. Was it all bullshit?

I cried. I cried and I cried. I was sad. I was angry. I was jealous. I was furious. I was scared. I was scared of losing you, and I lost you. Or perhaps I never had you.

It took time for me to heal that deep wound after you left me. I spent years to accept what you did to me and learned to laugh at my stupidity.

You came by to see me for a while. I smiled. You were still you. You still had the same style. I assumed you still had similar job like when you left me. I realized how lucky I was. You came to my life to help to grow. You and your women (ah…too many women when you were with me…I should open my eyes wider on that time, sigh I was too naïve. Love blinded me) encouraged to grow, well in a unique way. You showed me how it was to be broken hearted. She encouraged me with her ravage (wait…still don’t understand, wasn’t it me who should be furious???? Woman…I didn’t understand you, and still don’t).

Years went by. I still love you, as a person not as a lover. No, you are not my soul mate. Sorry but I deserve a better person, a person who knows how to love himself and others. I don’t want any drama anymore. Nah…that’s enough.

Goodbye love. Wish you all the best. Wish you happy with your mediocre life.

Jogja, July 14, 2006

Late Night in Bangkok

A night in Bangkok

Here I am, sitting at my balcony. Looking at the night sky. No stars tonight. Where did those stars go? I saw stars almost every night when I was a kid, wondering how it would be if I wear one of those stars as a pendant. I thought it would be lovely. I love stars, skies, clouds, jungle and seas. I was lucky, had these all when I was a kid. Oh well I don’t want to write about stars now.

I want to write on drama. Seiji asked me, ‘Evie..are you a DQ?’ So I asked Seij back…what DQ was….dull question? Doomed queen? Delicate queer (No offence..it’s just a joke)? Damned quiz? Sure it was Drama Queen. So I asked him back since I doubted the existence of non-drama queen/king.

What is drama queen? I am not sure….well for my political correctness I prefer to call it drama royal (are there anybody can give me a better idea how to replace this queen part to be more politically correct???).

Who doesn’t like receive attention? Hello….excuse me…I am writing my blog, and I wrote the address, so anyone can see it. Aren’t I an exhibitionist? Aren’t I a person who wants to receive attention from others? Do these make me to be a drama queen?

I think these drama persons simply need more attention. They express their needs for affection, and insecurity at the same time. Shame on them.

Despite of the term drama queen/king/royal---whatever, there is another term. Manipulative. Manipulative persons would manipulate others to gain what they need, attention for instance. Freud would explain it by using his bloody unconsciousness theory. Foucault would mention the power and agency I guess. What about me? I pity this kind of person.

I understood that we, human, need affection. Some, like me, are lucky. I am surrounded by wonderful people. No objection for this, but then also million of people who are not as lucky as I am.

What would happen if my mama did not call me love and kiss me any moment she could? What would happen if my papa did not shower me with his love? He went to Jogja from Jakarta almost every week when I moved to Jogja 10 years ago. He rang me, at least twice every single day. What would happen if my sister was not the most wonderful sister in the world, who gave me a wonderful brother in love and the cutest angel, lil Putra? Then there have been hundreds more…my granny, my friends, teachers, pets, bla bla bla…without them, I might turn to be a whining person.

No more drama please. Life is already complicated, why do we make it worse? I understood that one needs attention, but drama? Ouch…

Happy Xmas to you all..this is how a 5 years old girl celebrated her Xmas party

It’s almost Xmas now. Last night I chatted with mum, she reminded me how it used to be when I was a kid. Once when I was 4 or 5, we went to a Xmas party in our community centre. I sat on Santa’s laps and pulled his beard. (Well actually I couldn’t recall this memory, but mum keeps bunch pictures of her two daughters.) I had so many Xmas gifts, awesome.

Mum told me, when I was busy with my presents in a sudden I asked her a question, “Mama, what is a Christmas?”

Mama told me that it’s the birthday of Jesus Christ, son of The Lord, who was born to be our saviour.

I replied her, “Oh that’s why we have presents. It’s a birthday of our saviour.”

“Yes, it is true. And you have been a good girl for the last year, so Santa brought you presents.”

Then this little girl asked her mummy, “If it is a birthday party why don’t we sing Happy Birthday Jesus Ma? Why we sing Jingle Bells? And where is the birthday cake?”

My mum couldn’t stop her signature laughter (I think I got mine from her), neither others adults could. Then she said, all adults agreed to sing Happy Birthday Jesus on that party (that’s the coolest part of being the smallest cutie around ^_^).

So…happy birthday Jesus. Happy Xmas all. Peace on Earth.

For the man i love most

You took a piece of me when you left, with a deep of sorrow in my heart. I’m so hollow. There are times when I miss you badly. There are times when I want to talk to you and lean my head on your shoulder. There are times when I want to be in your arms. There are times when I want to tell you how tired I am. I often hope that one day I will see you again, meet you in real, not merely in my dreams.

It’s been almost 5 years since you have gone. I keep telling myself that I got through it all. I can live my life without having you here with me. But it’s not true. It’s all a lie. Life has changed, it’s not the same anymore. Life was so easy when I had you beside me. Don’t you know that I miss you badly? Don’t you realize that I still need you here beside me? Don’t you know that I am craving to see you? I just simply want to tell you how much I love, miss and need you.

I miss the way you stroked my hair. I miss the way you hugged me and told me how proud you were with me. I miss the way you kissed and caressed me. No one would do the same to me, no…there is no other else. I wouldn’t find the love like you gave me, a beautiful unconditional love.

Tell me how can I stop my tears drop? Tell me what am I supposed to do to heal the wound after you left me? Do you know how many nights I cried, longed for you to come back? I shouted and cried, but you never come again. It hurts me badly. Even worse, I know that it’s not your fault for not being with me anymore. I know the time had come for you to leave, but it hurts. Whom I should cry to?

Heavy rain outside, but this time rain doesn’t wash my tears away. It doesn’t stop me missing you. Deep down, I long for you, crying for you to come back to me. God, why You let him went away? Couldn’t You stop him and let him be with me a bit longer?

The Rain Kills Me More Than My Stilettos Do

Raining outside, it is killing me, worse than my high heel stilettos. I can take off my stilettos, but I cannot stop the rain. It was also raining when he left me. It was cloudy when I knew he was gone, and heavy rain after I departed him, the man I love most.

He was the man who gave me all the love that I need. He supported me, showered me with his endless love and care. What else I could ask for when I had him beside me? Nothing, simply nothing at all. He protected me, he was my guardian angel. I could tell him everything, happiness, sadness, angers and fears. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else. I didn’t realize how much I needed him until he has gone. He left me hollow.

Sitting in my room, remembering about him, the man I love most. I cannot explain how much I miss him. My world has changed without him beside me. All I can say is daddy I miss you.

We choose our own parents

Daddy, your little girl has grown up. Last time you met her, she was merely a spoiled girl. She only begged you for extra pocket money, yeah yeah…”But Pa…I need to buy more books.” “Pa, I cannot afford this lipstick without extra pocket money from you.” “Pa, my business did not run well, I’m as poor as a church mouse now.” “Pa, my date is Yosi, not Yoyo anymore!!!!” “Pa, where is my pocket money? I want it NOW!!!” “Pa, I will have 2 exams tomorrow, so I want you to ring me in the morning, at 8.45 before I have my morning exam. At 12.00 when I finish the first one. At 12.45 before the second exam, and at 4 when I finish the second one. Then at night.”…good grief…see how spoil I was. How could you stand your spoiled little girl dad? If I were you, I might let her cries all day long. But you didn’t. You simply laughed and said that I was a debt collector. Then you asked your secretary to wire some money for me. Sorry Pa, now I know that I was a spoiled one.

Daddy, do you remember how you treated me when I was small? How you took me for shopping and I could chose whatever I wanted. Do you know why I love shoes dad? You made me love them since I was 5, with your birthday gift, a pair of yellow sandals. Those are the most comfortable and beautiful pair I ever had in my life, my first bright yellow pair of sandals, with huge flowers on them. They made me feel grown up, sure in the eyes of a 5 year old girl. Yes, I recall you also gave me a big jar of colourful sweets on my 5th birthday.

Do you also remember how we fought for a bar of chocolate? You brought me one, I bit once but then you ate the rest. Oh daddy, I miss you badly. Sure, I remember all handkerchiefs you gave me, Sanrio from Japan. All girls were jealous. These memories kill me. I can never forget you.

Dad, a friend of mine sent me an article. On that article is written that we chose our own parents. I couldn’t understand it before, but I guess I understood it now. I chose you and mum as my beloved parents. Parents who shower me with love, I must had made merits in my previous life so I could have you both in this life.

I cannot lean my head on your shoulder anymore. I cannot tickle your back. I cannot lay my head on your laps like I used to do. It’s all gone. Nothing’s left, but the memories of you.

Tears are falling because i am longing for you

Tears are falling because I am longing for you. I am craving to see you again. No matter how many times I call your name, you will never answer it. You will never look at me smiling. Have you really gone? Don’t you miss me too? Don’t you want to see me? Don’t you want to hold me your arms anymore? Can’t you open your eyes even for a while and let me see your eyes again?

La Verita

I started watching TV again since I knew there is a sex scandal involves a politician and a singer. I saw on TV how that singer cried on her press release. She confessed all they did and revealed more info regarding to their affair, pregnancy and forced induced abortion. I saw it blankly, no emotion involved. Plain. I even thought about the wife of the politician and their kids. It must be horrible for them.

Last night, again, on TV, I watched press release of the wife of the politician. She clearly says, "I am, wife of…..". That woman expressed her feelings and thoughts clearly. She acclaimed that whatever her husband had done, she would be there for him. I saw her anger, hurt, embarrassment and strength. I believe she would do anything to protect her family (she clearly begged the press not to worsen the scandal for the sake of her kids). God, how did You create that woman? Somehow I was amazed with her. She was cheated, and ta daaaa she became a safe heaven for the man who cheated her. Sure, I couldn't say a word about what happens behind the scene. All I saw was what was shown on TV. However it's amazing to see how powerful she's. How she protected her husband. Meanwhile the husband sat next to her, looked weak and fragile.

For men who consider marrying other woman while still in a marriage….please see that press release. Do you think your other woman will protect you? Do you think your other woman will sacrifice and endure all the hurts and embarrassment for you? There is only woman alive I know who is more respectful than the wife of that politician, my mother.

Verita

What do I know about verita? None. An Italian friend told me that verita means the truth. Again, what do I know about the truth? One of my professors always says that the truth is relative, and it is not singular, but plural.

The truth is in the eye of beholder (beauty can be a truth too, no?). What we believe as a truth can change, along with the historical line. It depends on the context behind, depends on our knowledge. Once we rejected and condemned Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, Lord Buddha, and so on (just name it), but then…ta daa look now. Look how many believers they have now. Few decades ago in France, it was believed that we (humans) should not bath/shower. It was believed that bathing might soak our skin. Later on with the development of medical knowledge, we do the opposite act. I remember how my mum asked me to shower when I was a kid. Isn’t it amazing? The power of knowledge is even more amazing for me. What kinds of person are trusted as sourceperson? According to my long long time ago textbook, there are some kinds of people who posses more power, seen as wise person in community (now I remember Owl, a friend of Pooh the Bear. All people…oops animals at 25 acres forest come to him to seek his advice). Yeah yeah…sounds like a Foucauldian.

Currently, Indonesians are gossiping about a sex scandal. A member of house of representative (Dewan Perwakilan Rakyat) caught on tape while he had a sexual act with a woman, surely not his wife. He was (sorry, just resigned from his position) the head of religious department in his political party. He’s also a former leader of a big Muslim university student association. Then again, we see another version of the truth. It is up to us, whether want to see him as a devoted believer of one of major religions in the world, or him as an unfaithful husband? (Oh please….don’t comment how could a Muslim do that…not only Muslims engage in any adultery…knock knock remember Bill Clinton, buddy?).

Is this member of house of representative is a trusted person? If you see him, talk to him, tell him what happens in your life and he gives you some advice, will you believe and take it seriously? (Let’s skip the part about how unfaithful to his family he’s, but think about…a politician who recorded his sex scandal…yeah yeah you got the point here).

Well, I love Indonesia. Five months since I returned back to my motherland (no, my father doesn’t have any piece of land) there is another hot gossip here. We, Indonesians, also are busy gossiping about a leading (not again) Muslim leader in Indonesia. He’s found to be married to his second wife while he’s still in marriage with his faithful wife, for more than 2 decades. He explained that his first wife gave him permission to marry someone else. Moreover, this topic had been discussed between them for 5 years.

Dang (oops pardon my word), then why the hell did he say big NO before? To fish our sympathy? Before, this faith leader said no to polygamous because it might hurt women, et cetera et cetera et cetera. Then, he said he did (and will do) it in Muhammad’s way. In Islamic way. Come on…dude…I am (and sure there are lots like me) just a simple commoner. I am a Muslim who might not know about Islam as much as you do, but I know that I should watch my mouth (well…I am typing now, so my lips are sealed ^_^). I might not know all verses on the Quran and the hadith, but I could see your wife almost dropped her tears (thanks to him, I watch TV now, wait for gossip shows). Back to the main question, will you believe in this faith leader’s saying then?

About the wives now. Firstly is about the wife of our non-reliable Muslim leader. What a 40 something year old woman, who has married to a humble person for more than 2 decades, with 6 kids (hello…are there any other Malthusians here? I need your back up please) in her arms, will say if her husband tells her that he wants to marry someone else? Also, think about how many women look at her as a humble role model. If you were her, do you think you will say no to your husband? You will be condemned as a selfish woman who only thinks about herself, not thinks about your 6 kids who will loose the love of their father.

Now, is about the wife of our honorary member of house of representative. The woman whom the husband had (she said it was over couple years back) sex affair, said that the wife knew about their affair. When she (that another woman) got pregnant, the wife pushed her to induce her pregnancy. In short, this legal wife of the man’s a cruel heartless woman. What kind of women who will force another woman to induce her pregnancy? My almost 3 year old nephew will imagine an old bitch with hair like Cruella De Vil on Dalmation 101 movie, with deep red lipstick, laughs cruelty, and says, “Kill…kill…”. Poor woman, her husband had a sex affair with another woman, caught on tape, spread globally (well Indonesians are all around the world) and she’s treated as a bad heartless woman. If she did force that woman to induce her pregnancy, she might think about how to safe her family. Or even more, how to protect her husband’s political career.

What about the other women. Well I don’t know about the second wife of the faith leader, all I know is she’s pretty and younger than the first wife. So I cannot say anything, but question…how could she say yes to a married man?
And ta daa…about the woman who had affair with our politician. She had a press release, she cried on TV. So, no comment.

Lesson learned:
• Follow your heart, you will see the truth. There is a true north deep down, and it will guide us
• Girls, don’t mess around with married men. They are dangerous.
• Women…why are we subordinated? Dang patriarchal society
• When I bitch around, just cry and I will stop.

Ijinkan Aku Mengenangmu Malam Ini Saja (Cerita Patah Hati Lagi)

Dia bilang dia akan menikah
Sure aku bilang selamat
Saat itu tidak ada perih
Tapi ketika telpon mati
Ada seberkas nyeri
Di sini, di dada ini.

Beberapa tahun lalu aku yang bilang selamat tinggal
Aku kira aku tidak sanggup untuk bersamanya
Walau aku tahu dia adalah laki-laki yang baik
Teramat sangat baik
Lihat betapa aku menekankan betapa baik dia
Orang yang selalu menatapku penuh cinta
Ada harapan dan kasih di matanya

Ada seulas senyum bahagia di wajahnya
Saat pertama kali ia mengecup keningku
Waktu itu aku hampir tertidur
Ya, dia selalu menungguku hingga lelap
Mengusap lembut kening dan rambutku
Sambil berkata ‘Sayang, selamat tidur’

Sepenggal kenangan indah
Betapa cinta yang begitu lembut terhempas
Dan aku yang menyiakannya
Bukan salahnya kalau dia bersama perempuan lain
Aku yang meninggalkannya pergi
Dengan dua tetes air mata di pipi
‘Jangan tanya kenapa, karena aku tidak dapat menjawab’
Dia berkeras untuk menunggu hingga waktu berlalu
Akan tiba saatnya, itu katanya
Dan aku tahu saat itu tidak akan datang

Kini dia pergi
Tidak, aku tidak ingin meratapi
Aku hanya ingin menghampiri untuk berkata selamat
Semoga bahagia, dan terima kasih untuk sepenggal kisah yang indah
Dan izinkan aku untuk mengenangnya, malam ini saja

Don't Give Up, You Are Loved (Josh Groban's new single)

Got from a friend, lovely no?

"Light can be defined without sun. Sweetness can be defined without honey. Fragrance can be defined without a rose, but beauty cannot be defined without you."

"Your beauty even makes the time stop for a second, and within that second, I'd wish to be stuck forever"


^_^